English.”
Alex whirled around. There, in the dusty light of the barn, stood Noah.
Alex’s heart was threatening to beat out of his chest as he regarded his boyfriend. He wanted to go to Noah, but his feet were rooted in place.
“Oh? How about German?” he asked. He hated how unsteady his voice sounded.
Noah shook his head. “Maybe if she was a Holstein.”
“She’s not?”
“A Jersey, I think.”
They were talking about freaking cow breeds. Just… excellent.
“No wonder she keeps disregarding my pleas for her to go outside and do her business on the pasture.”
“Or maybe she’s just a really bad listener?”
Alex tried to force himself to chuckle at the joke, but he couldn’t.
“You’re back,” Alex said, stating the obvious because Noah felt unreal, somehow, even though he was right there, looking a bit paler than usual, wearing a pair of very proper khakis and a button-down.
Noah looked down. His shoes seemed to have become really interesting over the course of ten seconds.
Alex had dreamed about Noah for almost a week. Had dreamed about hugging him, kissing him, just sitting on the porch steps with him and doing absolutely nothing. But this Noah in front of him was not the guy Alex had been aching for. The Noah that had returned from Portland was dressed like he was getting ready to testify in court. His posture was stiff, and he looked like he wanted to run away.
A strange calm overtook Alex. It was as if his usual mask of pessimism had been torn off over the last weeks, but now he was shoving that sucker back on his face.
You knew this was going to happen, the voice inside him said. You knew from the beginning this was not going to lead to a happily ever after, didn’t you?
Whatever hurt Noah was going to cause, it was going to be easier to deal with it if Alex just instilled in himself that he’d known all along that it was coming.
“We have to talk,” Noah said quietly.
Alex turned around and stabbed the pitchfork into the hay again.
“Save it,” he said. He clenched his jaw as he took a step away from Noah.
If I won’t let him say the words, it’s not happening. If I won’t let him say the words, this is all just a bad dream.
“Alex,” Noah whispered.
Alex let out a harsh bark of laughter and turned to face Noah. “Fine, let’s hear it.”
But Noah seemed to be all out of words suddenly. He just stood there and looked at Alex until Alex grew sick and tired of the hollow feeling inside him that was expanding like a balloon full of mud, ready to pop any minute and shower everything with dirt.
“Come on, Noah.” Alex couldn’t help the mocking cadence of his voice. “Out with it.”
“I…” More silence followed.
Alex threw the pitchfork down with a loud clatter and stalked closer to Noah. “Just do it already. Say that it was stupid. Just some summer fun. Nothing serious or important or life changing. Say that it was a mistake. Say that I’m a mistake. Come on, Noah. Be a man and lay your fucking cards on the table. Tell me that we’re over because that’s where you’re headed, isn’t it?”
Alex had moved closer with every word he spoke until, by the time he ran out of things to say, he was directly in front of Noah, only inches away from his face, able to smell the Noah-scent Alex had been missing for a fucking week and, by the looks of it, would miss for the years to come.
He only had himself to blame. After everything, he’d still let his guard down, hadn’t he? Like an idiot, he’d trusted another person, even though he knew better. Well, never again. Fool me once and all that. Never again was Alex going to trust anybody else, only to be left standing in the dust when the other person inevitably left.
“We’re moving back to Seattle.” Noah’s voice was hoarse. He avoided looking at Alex, instead choosing to focus on a point over Alex’s shoulder with such intensity that Alex was tempted to turn around and see for himself if a treasure map had appeared on the wall.
“Good for you.” Alex stalked back to the wheelbarrow and continued spreading the hay in Millie’s pen. His movements were mechanical. Push, lift, carry. Like a robot.
“I don’t suppose there’s an invite somewhere in there to come and visit,” Alex said, refusing to look toward Noah.
“You live in New York. It would have never