whole time. Noah’s car was still in the parking lot, but it was possible he had walked home or asked somebody to come and pick him up, and Alex was going to walk around the property like an idiot looking for somebody who wasn’t even there.
Still, he kept moving. He circled the main parts of the center and came up with nothing.
But then he crossed to the massive oak tree on the other side of the property and hit the jackpot. There, under the tree giant, in the long grass, lay Noah. He was staring at the branches and the glimpses of the sky, hands behind the back of his head. Alex went and sat down next to him. Noah didn’t acknowledge his presence in any way.
They stayed quiet for a long time before Alex spoke. “I’m sorry about today.”
That made Noah regard him with a serious gaze. “Why? It’s not like you killed him.”
His voice was scratchy, and Alex pretended not to notice the faint tear tracks that ran down from the corners of Noah’s eyes.
“I’m still sorry.” He rubbed at the back of his head. “I guess as a whole, we as a species, suck.”
“So you’re apologizing for the actions of your fellow man on the principle of shared responsibility?”
“Kind of.”
The first stars were starting to appear, the night fast approaching. Noah didn’t seem to be in a hurry to move, though. The evening was warm and quiet, but the air was crackling with something. The hairs on the back of Alex’s neck were standing up like his body was reacting to the surrounding electricity. He was pretty sure that, even though it was clear and quiet right now, there was a storm approaching.
“You gonna be all right?” Alex asked Noah.
Noah laughed humorlessly. “Oh, I’m perfect. I mean, I obviously used to be a naive idiot, but for the first time ever, I’m seeing things clearly. All my life, it’s been about doing the right thing. Like there’s this moral rulebook to follow, and I assumed everybody else follows it, too, but it seems that’s not the case, so I’ve been asking myself what’s the point? And you know what? There isn’t one. What’s the point of me sacrificing and sacrificing and sacrificing? I don’t have a life, Alex. I have nothing. I’m this… empty shell. I do everything because we’re supposed to value some things on a higher level. We’re supposed to… look at the big picture and modify our behavior according to that to make the world a better place. But that’s all a lie, isn’t it?”
Alex didn’t reply. It didn’t look like Noah expected him to, and Alex had no clue what Noah was even talking about, so coming up with an appropriate response was almost impossible.
“The world is not good. People are not good. There is no fucking decency. There’s just me and my pointless quest and nothing else, but you know what? You know what? I’m done. From now on, I’ll also be selfish. Do what I want. Fuck the consequences. So what if it’ll cause some problems? Who cares, right?”
Alex blinked at the monologue.
“Okay, you lost me somewhere around doing the right thing,” he said. “Care to explain? I could make sympathetic noises regardless, but they tend to mean more when there’s actual context behind them.”
Noah waved his hand in the air lazily. “Doesn’t matter. None of it matters. Weren’t you listening? The world is a horrible place, so doing the right thing doesn’t matter. You can just pat me on the shoulder and say, There, there, and it wouldn’t matter that it’s just an empty platitude because people are horrible and you’d be just another one in the long line of assholes.”
“That’s my life’s goal,” Alex said. “Or at least that’s what I’ve been working toward for a number of years.”
He reached out his hand and gave Noah’s shoulder two slow pats. “There, there,” he said.
“So what’s the plan now that we’ve established what a crappy place we’ve chosen for our existence?” Alex asked.
“Enjoy the ride?” Noah offered with a shrug.
Alex lay down next to Noah and looked at the sky. The stars were still there, but clouds had started to cover some of them. The branches were swaying in the air hypnotically, and the air felt heavy and stifling like in a sauna.
“There are things that I’ve wanted to do, but I never have. Maybe I’ll make a list and start crossing off some of those,” Noah mused.
“Sounds like a