seen online. But what I would have sketched was a boy—one who was underweight, who filled his belly with sugar just to make it feel full, who barely shut his eyes because he was always running, fighting, hustling his way through the dark.
My image wouldn’t have captured the gorgeous man who was staring at me now. He looked healthy and fit. He had color in his skin and shadowy black scruff on his cheeks and chin. Deep lines etched across his forehead and between his brows. There was even a difference in his eyes. They had a light to them, a glow that told me his life wasn’t full of darkness anymore.
Seconds ticked away, and still no smile, still no expression, besides the intensity of his stare. Then, he turned back around.
I was finally able to take a breath again, the heat in my body starting to cool, the tingling in my limbs subsiding.
“Do you want to wait in line to see him?” Anthony asked.
See him?
I blinked, realizing everyone had stood from their chairs and were moving toward the front. When I checked Garin’s seat, it was empty. He wasn’t near the casket, and he wasn’t on either side of the room. But, each time my stare crossed that shiny wood and that puffy white fabric, it felt like someone was clawing into my chest.
The happiness Garin had caused was completely gone.
“Kyle?”
“Yeah,” I said, looking back at Anthony. Guilt was darker than any memory I had. “No, I mean. I don’t want to get in line. I think I need some water.”
“There are drinks in the next room. I saw them when we came in. I’ll take you.”
I walked next to Anthony, keeping my eyes down, not wanting to make contact with anyone. When we reached the refreshment table, I poured myself some water. I never brought the cup up to my lips. I just kept my fingers wrapped around the plastic and let the coolness soak into my skin while I concentrated on my breathing. It was becoming more labored than I liked.
“You should eat something,” Anthony said. “You barely touched your lunch.”
I looked at the trays of cookies and finger sandwiches. “I’m not hungry.”
I wasn’t thirsty either. I just needed to get away from that room, from the casket.
From all of it.
“I think I should go,” I said.
“You need to go say something to Billy’s mom first, and then I’ll take you back to the hotel.”
My breath…I couldn’t catch my breath. “You want me to talk to…Billy’s mom?”
Anthony nodded.
“Not a bad idea, Kyle,” Garin said from behind me. “I’m sure she’d like to see you since you never said good-bye to her either.”
I turned around, my eyes finding his. The spark of happiness that had shot through my limbs earlier quickly turned to guilt.
I squeezed the cup between my fingers and palm, so I wouldn’t drop it. “Hi, Garin.”
He broke contact to look at my brother. “Anthony,” Garin said. The two of them shook hands. “It’s been a while.”
“It has been,” Anthony agreed. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”
He didn’t?
It was so strange to be standing in this circle. Anthony, almost identical to the person he was twelve years ago. Garin and me, nothing like the shells we once were. There were so many secrets between the three of us now.
“The old gang back together…how sweet,” Anthony said.
The sarcasm was so thick in his voice. It made me shiver.
Why the hell would he say that? Now? When Billy sat in a coffin in the other room?
It felt like Anthony’s hand had just torn at the hole that was already gaping in the middle of my chest. And, when I took a breath, it felt like he ripped it open even further.
“A funeral isn’t the kind of reunion I had in mind,” I said.
“Oh no?” Garin said. “I’m surprised to hear you even talk about a reunion.”
Now that I was standing so close to him, I could finally see the pain in his eyes. The anger. The coldness. There were so many layers to it, and they’d all been caused by me.
“Saw your sister the other day,” Anthony said. When he coughed, I could smell the weed on his breath. “Her kid’s real cute.”
I wasn’t surprised Anthony hadn’t told me he had run into Garin’s sister, Gina. He never talked about Garin or Billy to me.
But I was surprised to hear that Gina had a child. She was the same age as Paulie and Anthony. The three of