had changed after the night Paulie died. Why I had left our relationship. Why I had never allowed him to kiss me again.
But I couldn’t tell him any of that.
My face reddened. “That kissing though…”
I could tell by the way he glared at me that he knew how he affected me. My flushed cheeks just confirmed whatever he thought. I was even sure he could sense the tingling in my body, the goose bumps, and the wetness between my legs.
“And then Paulie died.”
His gaze shifted to my mouth.
“And now Billy…” The tingle briefly turned to an ache. “Why did it happen?” My voice trailed off as I answered my own question.
I’d watched Billy’s using go from a few times a week to several times a day. That was back then. I was sure it had only gotten worse. Garin had told me not to worry, that he would take care of it. But he couldn’t fix Billy, especially after Paulie died.
No one could fix us after Paulie died.
Now, it was too late.
“He lost his fucking brother, and that ruined him.”
“It ruined all of us,” I whispered.
It especially ruined me.
“It didn’t have to,” he said.
I wished that were true.
Garin fed me, he bought me clothes, and he made sure I always had a little cash in my pocket. He made sure I stayed safe. He was my family. My everything.
And then…he was my nothing.
“You saved me, you know.” I could hear my words start to slur. “I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t taken care of me.”
He gritted his teeth. “Then, why didn’t you stay?”
Why didn’t I stay?
My legs were bouncing underneath the table, and my hands couldn’t sit still. I only fidgeted this badly when I thought about him or when I was around him. “My mom was a mess, and my brother used way too much. Drugs made them feel good.” That was the truth, but it wasn’t the reason I left. “And what made me feel good was you.” I wished my hand were back over my mouth instead of playing with my napkin. I didn’t know why I was saying any of this.
“Bullshit.”
He didn’t believe me. That absolutely killed me.
I guessed I wouldn’t believe me either. But he had made me feel good; that part was pure honesty.
“It’s true, Garin. Even when I slept, I always wanted to be close to you. And then I left your apartment and…”
“And what?”
“And I just couldn’t stay anymore.”
A lie.
The drinking didn’t ease the hurt of the lie, nor did it ease the guilt. That was always there, no matter what I tried to tell myself or what I put in my body.
“I just couldn’t, Garin. It hurt too much.” Another lie. I shook my head to get rid of the memory and rubbed the center of my chest. That was where the pain lived, where the gnawing started. I wanted the tingling back. The tingling was so much easier. “I struggled so much with it, and I was only—” I cut myself off. I’d already said way too much.
“You were only what?”
I raised my glass, but there was nothing in it. So, I twirled the base of it over the table.
“You were only what, Kyle?” He didn’t shout, but his voice was so stern.
I finally looked at him again. “They’re both dead now. The two brothers. Almost a whole family. It’s such a tragedy.”
“Stop avoiding this.”
He was right. I was avoiding.
And, if he continued staring at me, he’d see the truth. And the truth needed to stay where it was—hidden behind years of scars.
I pulled out my cell to check the time. The numbers were squiggly, thanks to the liquor, but it looked like it was close to midnight. Or ten past one. Either way, we’d been here for hours, and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gone to the restroom.
“Ladies’ room,” I said, getting up from the stool. “I’ll be back.”
I hurried into the restroom and locked myself in a stall. The buzz hit me even harder now that I was standing, and I had to use the walls to hold myself up. It felt like they were getting narrower, the longer I hovered over the bowl, my ankles becoming wobblier in these heels.
Only a few more hours, I reminded myself, and then I’ll be on a plane heading home. Away from Atlantic City. Away from the secrets. Away from the lies that stared me in the face. Away from Garin Woods, who made me