I want my room to be our room.
But Kai doesn’t want that.
Or does he?
I haven’t asked him. It hits me like a brick in the face. It’s actually really simple. I have to ask him to stay.
“You’re awfully quiet tonight,” Mon says from somewhere behind me.
I turn toward her.
“I’ve been sleeping with Kai,” I blurt out.
She places the pie back down and cocks her head to the side, saying nothing.
“I’m having sex with him,” I clarify unnecessarily. She still doesn’t say anything, so my mouth just keeps spewing out words. “Lots of sex. We’re going at it, like, nightly. So… any thoughts on the matter?”
Mon makes a face.
“Oh plenty. The main one being that I’m way too involved in my little brother’s life.”
“I’m in love with him,” I add, sounding a bit dazed at the fact that I’m saying those words out loud right now, but it’s not like I want to make Mon think I’m bragging about doing his brother. “Just… immeasurably, completely in love with him.”
“That’s good,” Mon says with a nod. “Although I’d imagine any love declarations should be aimed at Kai and not me. Just an idea to consider.”
“He wants to move out,” I say, and now there’s a hysterical note in my voice at the thought of Kai possibly not being interested in the concept of turning my room into our room.
“You sure about that?” Mon asks.
My head whips toward her, and she gives me a knowing smile.
“He… doesn’t want to move out?” I offer hesitantly.
Monica gives me an encouraging nod.
“Because he maybe, possibly, perhaps feels something for me too?” I hedge, too afraid to concentrate on sounding confident.
Another nod, this time accompanied by raised brows.
“And he’s just hesitant to tell me because…”
Monica sighs and rolls her eyes. “Because falling in love with your best friend is scary sometimes,” she says like she’s explaining something obvious. “Because the potential to lose everything is much greater. And maybe it’s hard to believe all the cards have aligned and something you wish for so badly could come true. And maybe, just maybe, it’s difficult to believe the situation you’ve always known to be true might have changed. That the person you thought you knew through and through has changed.” Her smile kind of looks like she’s trying to sympathize with me for being so dense. “I’m just speculating here, of course,” she adds with a shrug.
My heart is beating wildly, and my brain is working overtime.
“Actions speak louder than words,” I say to myself. “And I haven’t changed. Not really. I’m still the same. I’m just not blind to the obvious anymore.”
Mon is looking at me with fondness.
“I need a list,” I say with a nod. “Or, on second thought. I already have a list. It’s just missing a couple of very important points.”
Monica pats me on the hand. “I’ve always liked lists.”
I smile.
“Me too. Lists… have proved very beneficial in the happiness department.”
29
Kai
I have to face it. I’m shit at plans. Or at least I’m failing with my current one. Truth be told, it’s not much of a plan to begin with. Let’s see.
Step one. Stop sleeping with Gray.
Step two. Stop being in love with him.
So far, I’m failing on both counts.
But today is the beginning of a new era. I obviously don’t have enough willpower to resist Gray, so I’m going to let him do the heavy lifting and tell him we should stop having sex, and then we’ll just… stop.
It’s the only way to salvage our friendship.
So for a change, instead of staying in my workshop until it’s so late that Gray is already in bed, I go home at a normal hour.
The apartment is quiet as I enter.
“Gray?” I call out, but I get no answer.
I frown as I walk through the living room. Everything is still quiet. I peek into my bedroom that, let’s face it, is more like a glorified wardrobe since I haven’t used it for sleeping in a while now. A shot of pain goes through my insides at the thought that I better get used to thinking of this place as my actual bedroom again. I shake it off.
This is my bedroom, I tell myself firmly.
Still no Gray, though. I hesitantly move to Gray’s door. I take a deep breath. Prepare myself. If he’s in there, I have to be ready to resist the need to kiss him and sleep with him and do all those things that we don’t do now that we’re strictly platonic friends again.
I