the more confusing. For all intents and purposes, marriage definitely seems like the next logical step for Gray.
“So what happened back there?” I steal one of Gray’s fries. Nabbing Gray’s food is also a part of the tradition.
He sighs. “How much did you see? Wait. You never told me how you ended up here tonight.”
“Cecilia invited me.”
Gray winces.
“Oh good,” he mutters. “Of course she would do this incredibly considerate thing and invite my best friend because she knows how much you mean to me. I’m even more of an asshole than I initially thought.”
I shake my head. “You’re not an asshole. You don’t want to marry her. That doesn’t make you a bad person. It is what it is.”
“I don’t think anybody in there will see it in the same light. And it’s not that I don’t want to marry Cee specifically. It’s that I don’t want to get married at all.”
“Maybe you can explain it to Cee?” I suggest.
Gray rubs his palms over his face. “I mean, maybe, but… It’s just that I should be able to imagine myself with her when we’re eighty.”
He stares out the window for a long time before he adds, “I can’t.”
I debate what to say and come up with noting helpful. “How long have you felt this way?”
He shrugs. “A while, I guess. I haven’t really admitted it to myself until now.”
“Well… at least now we know timing isn’t your forte,” I say.
Gray snorts and then groans as he thumps the back of his head against the headrest. He turns his head to the side and looks at me.
“Was it bad?”
“Oh, it was… something.”
“Sooo… terrible?”
“Let’s just say my secondhand embarrassment quota is filled for quite some time.”
He snorts and shakes his head.
“Do you think I made a mistake?” he asks, chewing on the inside of his cheek like he always does when he’s thinking hard about something. “Cee… She’s great. Smart, accomplished, ambitious. She’s always cool and collected. She’s a lot like me. But marriage? I don’t see myself ever wanting it. I should, right? I mean, nothing was inherently wrong in our relationship, so why couldn’t I just do it? It’s the next step. Plus, she’s my only real relationship to date, and I couldn’t even make myself move in with her. Now that I think about it, I’m having a hard time figuring out why she even wanted to be with me. It doesn’t sound like I’m exactly a catch.” Gray straightens himself. “You know what? I’m judging her just a little bit for sticking up with me for as long as she did. Sure, I’m an asshole, but she obviously has really low standards.”
He looks so defeated, and I don’t know how to make it better.
“Do you love her?” I ask.
Gray is silent for a long time, but I wait patiently. I’m used to it. Gray needs to think his answers through. He would never just blurt things out. That’s not his style. He weighs every word like everything he says is part of a speech that is later going to be deconstructed and studied by future generations.
“I guess,” he finally says, and the answer is thoroughly unlike Gray. This is one of those momentous aspects of life he should know for sure. Gray has always moved through life with quiet certainty. It’s something I’ve always envied because for most of my life, I’ve waffled around, trying to find my way.
“I love her, but I’m not in love with her,” Gray says. “I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. At least not the version they describe in books and movies. Fuck, she’s my only relationship where I actually felt something.”
He stops talking abruptly and glances at me from the corner of his eye like he’s embarrassed before he shakes his head like he’s trying to get rid of his own thoughts.
He takes a deep breath and sends me a self-deprecating smile. “That turned heavy really fast. Can we pretend it’s a normal night without any unexpected marriage proposals and broken hearts?”
The broken heart comment stings a tiny bit, but I smother the feeling as soon as it registers and smile at Gray.
“So that’ll be just the regular craziness for tonight’s entertainment package, then, sir?”
“Please.”
“Shit, I’ve got to cancel the strippers and flamethrowers I booked, then.”
“Yeah, I’m thinking let’s reschedule those and take it easy tonight,” Gray replies.
I nod. “I can do that.”
He laughs and finishes off his food. I don’t steal the last few fries because I’m a good