barely seen the inside of my apartment in days. Ever since Kai and I got back from the rink on Monday evening, it’s been nonstop work for me, which is frustrating as hell because I need to see Kai. I need to actually, physically see him to figure out what the hell is going on. I’ve almost resorted to sneaking into his bedroom and watching him sleep, but so far my last shred of sanity has prevented me from doing that. I already woke him up once with staring at him while he was sleeping, so doing it twice would probably give me the express membership to Creeps United.
It’s hard to gauge Kai’s state of mind based on the few texts we’ve exchanged, but I figure the decided lack of texts in and of itself is an indicator that not all is hunky-dory in Kai-land. Even while he was abroad, we texted constantly. This last five days? Not so much.
I have received exactly two messages from Kai. A No when I texted to see if he was home, and another No when I texted back, asking if he was in the workshop. I gave up after that, deciding that an in-person approach might give better results. I’ve been pulling way too many all-nighters for it to be healthy, but I’ve managed to clear enough tasks from my to-do list that I figure a night off will not result in a disaster.
The lights are on when I get home, so the first part of my extraordinarily sophisticated plan to corner Kai is going swimmingly. I put my shoes on the rack and make my way toward Kai’s room.
I almost swallow my tongue as I peek my head inside the doorway. Kai is standing in front of the mirror. He’s wearing black skinny jeans, the button undone, and… nothing else. Drops of water dot his shoulders, creating patterns with the freckles that decorate his shoulders. His hair is wet from his shower, and my mouth goes dry as I track the journey of a drop of water that makes its way from Kai’s lower back to underneath the waistband of his jeans. I’m completely fixated on the invisible track. The sudden need to follow the path with my fingers is overwhelming in its intensity. It almost feels like I’m doused in hot sauce. My skin is burning, and adrenaline is coursing through my system, and I have no clue what the fuck to do about it.
I manage to drag my gaze away from Kai’s back with great difficulty, and as my eyes move upward, I find Kai looking at me in the reflection of his mirror. For long moments we just stare at each other. I imagine I look a bit like a deer in headlights due to the fact that I have no fucking clue what is going on with me. Or what this here even is, let alone what it means.
I just know that I want. Everything inside me is one big ball of need, and it’s snowballing out of control so quickly that I can’t keep up.
“You all right?” Kai asks. He sounds so calm and unaffected by my inner turmoil.
I nod, unable to produce any words just yet when there’s still so much of Kai’s skin on display. I suddenly get a very sharp realization that all this skin was against me on Monday when we crash-landed on ice together. I mean, sure, there were clothes there, but in the grand scheme of things, clothes are a very minimal layer. The thickness of a sweatshirt is what? Let’s say 1/16 of an inch for argument’s sake. So my athletic pants plus Kai’s sweatshirt gives us roughly 1/8 of an inch of material between us. That’s nothing. We had practically nothing between us.
Never before has nothing felt so significant. That nothing fills every inch of space between us. Nothing makes the air around us vibrate with unarticulated desires. Nothing is everywhere.
It’s in the way Kai’s gaze stays glued on me. It’s in the way I still feel his body pressed against mine. It’s in the way my own body reacted to his. It’s in the way my heart thumps as I start to remember all these other times Kai has been pressed against me. It’s in the camping trip when I showed him the Taurus. It’s in my bed when I spewed out my insecurities and fears of not living my life to the fullest. It’s in the way