think it was worse because when Stella was alive, I would sometimes wish that things had turned out differently. I would wish that I had married you. I tried not to let my mind think things like that because I needed to remain focused on Stella, but those thoughts crept in anyway.
“So, when she was gone, the shame of knowing that my inner thoughts had come true, that I was finally free to be with you, really fucked with my head. I just couldn’t get over it. I loved and wanted you, but it felt wrong because if I had truly loved Stella the way I should have, I would have still been mourning her.”
“Oh, Jax. She loved you so much. That part was obvious. She would want you to be happy. I don’t think she had a vindictive bone in her body, especially when it came to you. She would never want you to suffer more than you already have.”
“I know.” I sigh.
“I want you to know that I understand. I know why you married her, and I don’t blame you. It was the right thing to do, and I wouldn’t expect anything less from you. It broke my heart because I couldn’t figure it out. It wasn’t until her death that all the pieces came together, and my heart started to heal.”
“I did love her, Lil. She deserved so much more than she was given in this life.”
“I know you did. Who couldn’t love her?”
I can hear the smile in Lily’s voice.
“I even found myself liking her. I wanted to hate her, but I couldn’t. She was just so…pleasant and sweet.”
“I know what you mean.” I laugh under my breath. “That she was.”
“Where do we go from here?”
Lily’s question brings to light that I finally have the freedom to choose my next step. Guilt and obligation are no longer playing a role in my choices.
“I don’t know. Are you set on staying in New York?”
The space before she answers is packed with nerves as I realize how much I want her to come home with me.
“No, not really. It’s been fun. I’ve loved living here with Charlie, but truthfully, I came here to escape you and our memories. There is nothing tying me here. I love my job, but it’s just a job. I can always get another.”
My question bursts from my lips before she finishes her last word, “So, will you move back with me? Can we live together?” I’m beyond ready to start the rest of my life with Lily.
“Yes! Of course! Oh my gosh, yes!” She giggles with excitement. Leaning toward me, she peppers enthusiastic kisses all over my face. “I have some projects here to finish up, and of course, I will have to give Ethan notice, but yes, I would love to live with you!”
“Will it be weird to stay in my house, the one I bought with Stella?”
“Maybe a little. Will it be weird for you?”
“Yeah, a little,” I admit.
“Well, for the time being, it will have to do. But I would love to buy a house with you—you know, one that we pick out together. I want to have our house where we can build our own memories. Your house now is beautiful, but it will always be a reminder of your time with Stella,” she says.
“I agree. Maybe while you wrap up everything here, I will work on getting my house ready to put on the market, so we can buy our new house sooner than later.”
Lily kisses my chest. “Sounds like a plan. I’ve missed my family. It will be nice to go home to Michigan.”
“Well, lucky you, Landon and Amy stop by all the time. Amy will probably stop by more often if you are there. The hospital where Amy works is only a five-minute drive from my house.”
“I can’t wait,” she says excitedly.
“You don’t have to worry about work either, if you don’t want. I make enough money for the both of us.”
“Well, that’s good for now. But I’ll look for a job and see what kind of offers I get. I would love to focus more on my independent stuff—weddings, family photo shoots, and stuff like that. That’s my favorite part. The work isn’t always consistent, and I have bills to pay, so I’ve been fortunate to work for Ethan. But if money wasn’t a factor, I’d probably want to do shoots for individual clients.”
“Money isn’t a factor. I want you to do what makes you