need other people to dump their memories on me and push me down further.
The most difficult part is watching her casket being lowered into the ground. All day, I’ve been a numb black hole of sadness. I think I’ve cried out every tear I had over the past couple of days. But watching the shiny brown box being put down amid the cold dirt, knowing that her body lies inside it, is too much. Tears stream down my face, and the sight threatens to rip my heart out of my chest.
My mom stands to my side, and she takes my hand in hers, squeezing it gently. I hold her hand back, the connection giving me a semblance of control. I pull in deep breaths. Dropping my chin to my chest, I close my eyes and just breathe, blocking out my surroundings.
Everyone has left the cemetery. I’m standing alone in front of the freshly dug hole in the ground. I look down and see the coffin at the bottom of the hole, waiting for the cemetery grounds guy to cover it with dirt. Some man, who probably isn’t making much more than minimum wage, is going to hastily cover her with dirt, so he can finish his shift and get home to his family. He’ll have no idea who lies in that coffin. He probably won’t care. The thought makes me ill.
I bend down and pick up a handful of pink rose petals, stragglers that fell from the coffin earlier. I run the silkiness of the petals between my fingers. Holding my arm out, I open my hand and let them fall.
A lone tear escapes and falls down my face. “I’m sorry, Stell. I’m so sorry. I would have done anything to keep you here. You know that, right? I couldn’t…” My voice breaks as the overwhelming sense of helplessness washes over me. “I couldn’t keep you here. I’m sorry.” I pause, sucking in a deep breath and releasing it. “I love you, Stella. Thank you for loving me.”
The celebration of Stella’s life is in full swing when I arrive at her favorite Italian restaurant that her parents rented out for the party. I’m met with big hugs from her family. Looking around, I can see Stella’s touches everywhere. This, like everything else, was planned by her.
Now that I’m away from the sadness of the funeral and cemetery, I can finally breathe. I’m able to take in all of the people here. There are so many. Some I know, and others I don’t, but the vast number of people is a true testament to Stella and the way she lived her life—loving everyone in her wake.
The party is a genuine celebration, the way she would have wanted it. As I scan the room, I can’t help but grin. Everyone has a drink in hand and a smile on their face. I walk through the crowd, listening to the chatter as I go. Some are talking about memories of Stella. Others aren’t…but everyone seems happy. It is fitting because Stella was the most positive person that I’ve ever met.
“Jax, pull up a seat,” Ben says as he hands me a glass of beer.
“Thanks, man.” I smile weakly and greet everyone else at the table, including Jerome, Josh, and some of our other past teammates.
We catch up on the latest happenings in everyone’s life. Despite the reason for this reunion, it feels good to catch up with my friends, some of whom I haven’t seen since graduation.
After a few minutes, I excuse myself, needing to find my family. I spot them at a table in the back corner, sitting beside Lily and her family, and I make my way to them. I greet them, and they all stand and hug me in return.
“How are you holding up, sweetie?” my mom asks.
“I’m fine. Thanks, Mom.”
Landon shoves a shot glass into my hand. “Here, bro.”
I turn to see everyone else holding one as well. We bring them toward the center of the table, clinking the glasses together.
“To Stella,” Landon cheers.
“To Stella,” we answer.
To my beautiful Stella.
The afternoon wears on. It feels so good to be with Lily’s family. I’ve missed her sisters and her parents. I can’t remember the last time I just sat with them and talked without awkwardness. It’s good to have time with my mom and Landon as well. It’s almost just like old times, save the fact that my dad hasn’t uttered more than two words to me and I feel