my complete attention, but my mind continues to return to mere hours earlier and the expression on Lily’s face when I told her that I was engaged. My chest screams in pain—for Lily, for me, for my reality because everything about it bursts with injustice.
If things weren’t the way they were, would that encounter have gone differently? Of course it would have. I wouldn’t be engaged, for one. I wouldn’t own a house with Stella for another.
If things were different, would I be driving home with Lily right now instead of with Stella? I know the answer to that question, but even voicing it in my head is too painful to bear.
The thing is…life can’t be lived in the what-ifs. It has to be lived in the what-is.
What is my reality? She’s sitting next to me, gabbing away about floral arrangements. She’s my choice. She has to be.
I’ve come to realize that some choices in this life aren’t in fact choices at all—at least for me they’re not. The guilt I would carry for not choosing Stella would be something I couldn’t survive. I love her. Is it soul-mate love? Perhaps not. Regardless of the type of love it is, it’s love, and when you love someone, you don’t leave her when she needs you, no matter the consequences.
As my car takes the familiar curves of the country road I’ve traveled on so many times before, I start shutting down my emotions. I lock away my thoughts of Lily and my love for her deep in the crevices of my mind. I take some calming breaths as I concentrate on Stella and her infectious happiness. My focus has to be on the woman beside me.
These past few months, I’ve become quite skilled at blocking out my feelings. It’s essential to get through each day. There isn’t another way.
We pull into my parents’ driveway and park the car.
I walk around to open Stella’s door and take her hand as she exits. “You ready for this?”
“I guess I have to be,” she answers with a nervous giggle.
My mom was ecstatic on the phone when I told her I was driving down for dinner. I’m relieved to finally get to share everything with my family.
We are barely inside the house when we are greeted by my mother’s glowing smile. The happiness to have me home radiates off of her.
“Mom, you remember I told you about Stella?”
Surprise and confusion are etched across my mom’s face. “Yes. Your study partner?” she questions.
I chuckle. “Right. Well, now, she’s more than that.”
My mom’s gaze drops to my hand entwined with Stella’s before realization hits. A big smile graces her face as she addresses Stella, “Oh my goodness, it is so great to meet you. Welcome.”
We sit at the table, idly chatting over the dinner my mom has prepared.
After receiving my call earlier, telling her that I was coming home for a visit, my mom called Landon to invite him. He was able to make it home as well, which works out great for me because it’s one less conversation to have later.
“It is so great to have both of my boys home. It’s been so long.” My mom smiles warmly as her stare goes from me to Landon.
My dad hasn’t said one word to me in the hour we’ve been here. I suppose if he isn’t berating me over something, he doesn’t have much to say.
“So, hey, Mom…”
She looks up from the salad on her plate with a warm expression.
“There is actually a reason that I wanted to come home today.” I grab Stella’s hand from the table and thread our fingers together. “Stella and I are getting married.”
Three sets of eyes go wide and stare at us. Even my dad looks completely shocked.
“Glad I made it home for dinner,” Landon says under his breath.
My mom coughs into her napkin. She grabs her glass of water and takes a big drink, holding up her index finger to indicate that she is about to respond. She puts down her glass and looks between Stella and me. “I’m sorry, um…” She peers down briefly before meeting our eyes again. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I’m just—” She breaks off and lets out a forced laugh. “You have made your mother speechless. I don’t even know what to say. Congratulations. When did this happen?”
“Well, I’ve known Stella for four years now. We’ve been really good friends this whole time. Then, when I came back to school after Christmas”—after Lily broke my heart,