that could just be me. It has been an odd three months. I so often feel anxious that I’m not feeling anxious, if that makes any sense. I almost don’t know what to do with this new normal, this change of pace where my life isn’t dictated by coaches, professors, or my father.
I’m in a happy, stress-free relationship with a beautiful girl…who isn’t Lily.
Strange.
I don’t currently have a relationship with my best friend.
Unsettling.
I no longer have visits or calls from my father where he berates me. Now that I’m officially done with football, he has left me alone—or more accurately, he has gone off to pout because I’m not going pro.
Awesome…but so different.
I’m not stressed about projects, papers, or deadlines. We graduated a week ago, and all that pressure has disappeared from my life.
Crazy.
Life is so bizarre right now, but at the same time, it’s so easy.
I just finished my first week of working for one of Stella’s father’s companies, and I’m loving it. I love the way he runs his businesses. He is brilliant and business-minded, running his companies with passion. He is extremely successful for a reason. He looks for the good in people, and he is also kind and down-to-earth. It is a change for me.
Besides the fact that Lily and I haven’t spoken in five months, my life is pretty great right now. I just keep waiting for the ball to drop.
I turn the key in the lock and walk in. Stella’s place smells of garlic and basil. She must be making Italian food. Everything that Stella makes is delicious, but her favorite food is Italian.
“Stell,” I call out.
“In here!” she yells from the kitchen.
I walk over to the table where she has a glass of wine already poured at my table setting, and I take a sip.
I head into the kitchen. “Smells delicious.” I wrap my arms around her.
She sets the spoon down on the counter and turns into my embrace. “Hey,” she says softly before standing on her toes to plant a kiss on my lips.
I pull her into me and kiss her several times on the mouth, short pecks in quick succession. She chuckles before looking down.
“How was your day?” I ask before throwing a piece of cucumber from the salad into my mouth.
“It was fine. How about yours?” Once again, her voice is off.
I can’t place what is different about it, but it causes an unsettling feeling to penetrate my body, leaving me with an uneasy sensation.
“Good.” I lean against the counter and watch as Stella plates our dinner. “Is everything okay, Stell?”
She nods, her back still turned. “Mmhmm…”
It’s not. I know it’s not, but this whole relationship is new, and I don’t know how to proceed. Should I keep pressing or let it go?
I opt to leave it be for now. “So, what did you make?”
“Manicotti. You’ll like it.” She smiles weakly and hands me my plate.
“I’m sure I will.” I follow her into the dining room.
We eat in relative silence. We both try to force conversation by asking random questions to which the other one gives a short answer, and we continue to eat. Stella is not her upbeat normal self. I know something is off, but I don’t want to press her if she’s not ready to talk about it. She is usually more forthcoming with her feelings.
After we clean up the dishes, we make our way into her living room and sit on the sofa.
“What do you want to do?” I question. “We could rent that movie again and try to finish it this time.” I chuckle, thinking about the movie that we’ve rented twice.
The first time, we didn’t finish it because I had an internal freak-out after she touched my thigh, and I left. The second time, she got a bad headache and ended up going to bed.
“The third time’s the charm, right?” I take her hand in mine and gently squeeze it. I notice that it is damp, like she’s been sweating. I sit up and pivot so that I’m looking directly at her.
She’s nervous. It’s written all over her face.
“Stella?” I question. “Please talk to me.”
She looks down and seems to focus on a spot on my knee. “Well, actually”—she swallows—“there is something that I wanted to talk to you about.”
I knew it.
I wait for several beats, and I can almost see her fighting to find what she wants to say. I have no idea what is about to come out of her mouth, but