bend down and pick up the clothes that I tossed on the bed. They must have fallen to the floor when she stood up with the sheet. I hand them to Lily. “I brought you these.”
“Right,” she murmurs, nodding.
I leave her in the room and make my way to the kitchen. I start tossing out all the Chinese containers that we left on the counter.
Lily comes out moments later. “Jax, can we talk about last night? I don’t like the way I’m feeling right now, and I don’t want to leave like this.”
I bow my head and breathe in slowly. “Little, last night was a mistake, a huge mistake. There’s really nothing else to say about it.”
Looking up, I meet Lily’s gaze, one full of shock and hurt.
Her eyes fill with unshed tears. “How can you say that?” An edge of bewilderment laces her voice.
“How can I say that?” I repeat, my tone rising an octave. “I buried my fucking wife three days ago, Lily! How can I not say that?” I yell.
Her eyes widen, and she grabs the edge of the kitchen chair, steadying herself. “I know that. Of course I know that, but it doesn’t make us a mistake. We’ve never been a mistake, Jax.”
“No, what we did yesterday was a mistake. It should have never happened,” I counter. “I should have never gone out with you after the funeral. I should have never asked you to stay here. I should have never pretended that my life is different than it is. Last night, I shouldn’t have gotten so wasted. And that”—I point to the mess that is the living room—“should have never happened. It’s not right.”
Lily takes a deep breath. “I get that. I do. It was…” She pauses for a moment and thinks on her words. “It was too soon. But at the same time, it was incredible. Don’t diminish what it was.”
“Lil, I don’t have the right to experience incredible. Stella’s body got dumped into the fucking ground days ago. Where is her incredible? How is it even fair to her that I jumped in bed with you the second she was gone? I’m so disgusted with myself and with my behavior last night that I’m finding it hard to even look at you right now.”
Lily lets out an audible gasp, and her lip begins to tremble. “I know it was soon. But you know what? Stella didn’t expect you to live the rest of your life alone. You’re twenty-three years old. Are you never supposed to experience love again? She would want you to be happy, Jax.”
“Somehow, I don’t think she’d be cool with me fucking my ex-girlfriend three days after her funeral,” I say dryly.
Two big tears flow down Lily’s cheeks. “We’re more than that.”
“It doesn’t really matter what we are or what we were. The fact is that what we did last night was horrible.”
“We were drinking. Emotions are amplified when people drink,” she offers.
That fact does nothing to ease my guilt. “It doesn’t matter, Lily! It was wrong, and I can’t handle the guilt right now. I need some space. I need time to mourn my wife before I deal with this drama.”
“Well, do you want to talk about it…about Stella? I know you haven’t wanted to the past couple of days. But I’m here if you need a friend.”
Lily steps forward and takes my hand in hers. I let the warmth of her skin comfort me for a couple of beats, but then I yank my hand away.
“Maybe. But it can’t be you.” I take a step back from Lily. I now realize that I was delusional to think that she was the answer.
The room is quiet for a moment. Only the sounds of our breaths break the silence. I can see Lily clenching her hands together. Her head is bowed, and then she brings it up, her gaze meeting mine. Pure determination radiates from her face.
“I know you are hurting. I know that making love last night is causing you a lot of guilt, and I want to regret it…but I don’t. I have loved you forever, Jax. Last night, I was finally able to feel you again. Do you know what it’s like to watch your soul mate marry someone else? Do you know what it felt like, thinking that I would never kiss you again? It hurt. Pain is pain. There is no contest that judges who feels it the most. Regardless of what is causing the