tilts her head to the side, resting it on my shoulder.
“I’m so sorry I made you feel that way. I truly am. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry that I fucked this all up.”
We swing in silence for several beats.
“Are you saying that you wish we didn’t break up?” she asks.
I can hear the hope in her voice, which gives me hope in return.
She still has feelings for me. I know we’ll be together again when the time is right. It might be summer right now, and even though I feel carefree, I know the stress of the football season is right around the corner. It is my senior season, and I know it will be the most intense one yet. I wish, with everything I am, that I could end this all now, and Lily and I could go back to the way it was. But the time isn’t right. I have to get through this fall. I have to finish my commitment. Less than six months, and I will be able to make things right between us.
I squeeze her shoulder and let out a long sigh. “No. I still think it is what’s best for us—for now. I can’t be who you deserve right now. I can’t give you what you need. There’s just so much…shit stressing me out, and I don’t want you to be a part of it.”
I continue even though I have to hold down the bile that my words cause, “I want you to be happy, Lil, and if this Trenton dude makes you happy, then I have to accept it. I didn’t ask you to wait for me, and it would have been selfish for me to ask anyway. This whole breakup was my attempt at not being selfish. I’m trying to put you first.”
Remember the plan, I think.
Saying that douche’s name in the same sentence with Lily’s causes me to feel sick. But I can’t make her feel bad for her choices because I don’t want her to resent me for mine.
“So, let’s just go back to focusing on our friendship. The other stuff will work itself out in time. Regardless of what happens in this lifetime, no matter what paths we follow or detours we take…you, Lily Anne Madison, are my best friend. I’m a whole lot of messed up right now, but the one thing I know for certain is that I need you in my life, and I’ll need you forever…in one way or another.” I take her hand in mine, squeezing gently. “Friends?”
“Always,” she whispers, tilting her head to meet my gaze. “Love you.”
I let out an exhale, and relief floods my body at her words. “Love you more.”
We swing for a while longer. I find out that Lily has a great job opportunity that will have her going back to school sooner than I anticipated. She’s only home for another week. It’s a huge blow, but a week of uninterrupted Lily time is better than nothing I suppose.
We make plans to go to the lake house, one of our favorite places. I’m sure we’ll spend a day at our spot under our oak tree—talking, playing our Would You Rather game, and laughing. I’m looking forward to this time with her. I’m going to cherish every second because I will be relying on these memories to get me through the next five months.
It’s September of my senior year. We’ve played and won two games so far this season. I’m two games closer to fulfilling my commitment. I think the team is gelling well this year, not that it’s stopped my father from picking apart every move I’ve made. But his advice has become white noise at this point.
I hike my backpack up. The area of skin covered by the thick straps is starting to sweat as I make my way across campus to the library. It feels like mid-July today, but I’m not complaining because we could get snow flurries tomorrow. Mother Nature is one temperamental bitch in Michigan.
Our favorite table is empty, so I sit down and start digging out my work. I beat Stella here today, which is odd. She’s always the first to arrive, always a step ahead of the game. She’s the most organized person I know.
I pull out my phone and type a quick text to Lily while I wait.
Me: Hey, Little Love.
Little: Hey. What are you up to?
Me: At the library, studying.
I leave out the part about waiting for Stella. Even though