your partner is still pissed that you lost focus and ruined the engine. The only way for you to be helpful now is to step back and let your partner, the mechanic who didn't mess up the engine, try to fix it. She doesn't want you to touch it, because you messed it up enough already. She has to evaluate the problem and try to fix it without you.”
“So, you want me to just stand off to the side and watch while she works on the engine?” Eli asks, playing along with my metaphor.
“Exactly,” I answer. “Your job is to let her work on it. She has a lot of emotions she has to navigate her way through, and the anger and hurt that come with being cheated on last a long time. You can't wash those emotions away with apologies, or flowers, or anything else. All you can do is show Demi you understand her emotions, and allow her the space to figure things out on her own, and you have to understand she may not choose to fix the engine at all. You may have ruined it beyond repair, and she may leave, but if she does, you can't be mad at her, because you were the one who broke it. It’s not Demi’s fault you lost focus. It doesn't matter how many hours she worked, you were the one who chose to sleep with another woman. You need to take full responsibility for your actions and not place the blame on her.”
“If I’m not supposed to apologize, how am I supposed to take full responsibility?” Eli asks, looking completely defeated.
“You have to wait until she gives you the opportunity. You don't talk about it until she wants to, and when she does, you let her know that her job had nothing to do with what you did. You tell her you messed up because you're an idiot, and throw yourself at the mercy of the court, hoping she’ll forgive you. What happened is your fault, and yours alone.”
Eli thinks on things for a minute, and I allow the room to be quiet while he reflects on everything we discussed. One of the hardest parts of being in this situation is getting the patient to understand they're not in control of the outcome once they've cheated. Trying to maintain control is a quick way to ruin the marriage altogether. Eli is a man who’s used to being in control. He owns a successful contracting company that became lucrative because of his ideas and decision-making. He trusts himself to handle things when the going gets tough, so letting go of that control right now is going to feel like torture. I can relate to that more than he knows.
“Okay,” Eli says after placing his thoughts in the right order. “What do I do next, Dr. Colson?”
“Your job is to simply be understanding, which means you can't be defensive,” I explain. “You have to understand what you did and how it affects your wife. You've apologized enough, now all you can do is wait for her verdict. You do not engage in conversations about the mistake until she's ready to talk about it, and she may not ever be. If she does want to talk about it, you take full responsibility and don't say anything to justify your mistake. Don't try to force things back to how they were by being overly affectionate, because she’ll only see it as you acting as if nothing ever happened. Don't touch her first and don't try to have sex. Everything has to develop on her terms, and if things ever get back to normal, understand that she's going to have lingering issues with trust. You have to earn that back, and it is going to take a long time, so be patient. Don't try to guilt her into anything by acting sad either. The moment you turn yourself into the victim is the moment she’ll be done with you. She is the victim, so act accordingly.”
Eli stares at me with a blank expression on his face before letting his eyes drop to the floor.
“I know I've said a lot,” I go on. “In a nutshell, just be understanding. You messed up in the worst possible way, and now you have to let Demi decide if she can forgive what you did. Give her all the time and space she needs to figure things out. That’s it.”
“All of that sounds a lot easier said