at a time, turns, and sees me. The second our eyes lock, he freezes. At least I catch him off guard too, and I can gauge his reaction in that split-second. He fidgets with his hands, and his eyes dart around, as if he’s thinking up what to say or what to do.
Exactly what I thought he’d do. He’s hiding so much right now.
His jaw finally clenches, and he glares right at me. “What are you doing here?”
I do my best to hide my nerves and try to return his harsh stare. It’s difficult, and I’m sure he can see right through it, but I’ve had it with this. I want answers, even if he wants nothing to do with me after. “What do you think?”
He tries to walk past me, and I step right in his way.
“Move. I’m late.”
I shake my head. “No, you’re not getting out of it with this little act you’re putting on. I put up with this for seven months, I’m not putting up with a new one. I want to know what is going on with you. You’re not Rick. You’re someone else.”
His eyes widen for a second at what I just said, then he glares again. “Why can’t you take a hint? I don’t want to be with you.”
He says the words, and they sting, but I can see in his eyes. His heart is breaking every time he says those things to me. He holds back everything he really wants to say, and I watch him cracking from the inside.
I shake my head. “I don’t believe you. Just tell me what it is. I’d help you with anything. I’d do anything for you and you know that. Please.”
He looks away, glances around, stares anywhere but my face. He has shame written all over him. Finally, his eyes lock with mine again, and he says, “You can’t help me. Nobody can. So go away. Don’t come near me. Don’t call me.”
Tears leak out of the corners of my eyes and roll down my cheeks. I wish I could stop them, but I can’t. Why is this all happening? The worst part is, I can’t even let my heart break for me right now, because it’s breaking for him. He looks so tortured, defeated, and I want to take his pain away more than I want mine gone.
I sniff. “Please. Just…”
He reaches out to touch my face, then pulls his hand back like I’m on fire. His eyes well up a little at the sight of me in front of him.
“Please just go. Just go.” He barely gets the last word out.
I stare down at the ground, more tears streaming. “Fine. I know something’s wrong, even if you don’t want my help.” I reach up and touch his cheek this time.
He doesn’t pull away, in fact, he leans into it a little like he just wants to stand there forever.
“Whatever it is, please, just do the right thing. I know you’re a good man.”
When I say that, he pulls away. Right when I think he might break down, he blinks a couple times, then his jaw clenches and he shakes his head. “No, I’m not. You always had that part wrong.”
Before I can respond, he walks right past me.
Mary Patrick
I knew the risk of going to see him, and I knew it’d probably break my heart all over again, but I didn’t care. It was worth it just to tell him those things, things he needed to hear. I almost feel selfish, because I knew there might be a chance he’d let me in, but also because I wanted to confirm I did nothing wrong.
Should I feel bad for the relief it gave me when I could see how bad he was hurting?
I’ve never really experienced anything of this magnitude before. I’ve never loved someone who wanted nothing to do with me. It’s a brand-new kind of anguish. I’ve never felt so—helpless, like there’s nothing I can do. What can I do?
The worst part is, I have no idea about anything. Part of me wants to burn down everything to be there for him. The other half of my brain wonders if I’m being selfish by doing that. Am I only trying to make myself feel better, and not actually worried about what Rick is doing? Will I make things worse for him if I keep trying?
Personally, I think he’s being an egotistical, stupid man, and he’s going to shut everyone out, do something