out tonight. It’s almost time for bed and that promise has been broken without so much as a phone call or text. What’s even worse is I cannot allow this type of precedent to be set. I don’t want him to put me in this kind of a position. We’re less than a month into this thing, and this is starting already. It’s unacceptable. I’ve seen these patterns. I’ve talked to friends and observed relationships and marriages. It’s the worst sign there is.
So, what happened? Did Rick get what he wanted and now he’s just going to string me along with empty promises? I know that’s not true. It might be what my brain is trying to tell me, but I’ve seen the way Rick looks at me, the way he behaves around me. I hate this cycle.
This is how my whole night goes every time he does this. I go down this entire train of thought, imagining the worst. Then scold myself right after for making it about myself, and what if Rick has things going on in his own life that have nothing to do with me? How selfish can I be?
I reach for my phone more times than I can count and play out a thousand scenarios in my head before setting it back down. I need to just be patient. I’m allowed to be upset, but I need to be patient. I’ll just wait until he makes contact, take whatever information he has to give, and make an assessment. That’s the correct and rational thing to do.
The only thing is, as I lay down in my bed, turn out the lights, and don’t feel his arms wrapped around me—I feel empty. It’s an emptiness I didn’t even know I could feel just a short time ago, but now that it’s there, I don’t know what to do. I’ve given part of myself to him and now I don’t know if I could get it back, even if I wanted to. Before, I was self-reliant, had control over everything. Now, I’m powerless over my emotions.
I glance to the phone once more, begging it in my mind to ring. But, it doesn’t. It feels so silly. To care this much about hearing someone else’s voice.
I don’t know if I should be mad, sad, call someone to check in on him. I have to remind myself he’s a grown man and can take care of himself. I’m sure nothing is wrong. He’s probably working and just forgot. Maybe that’s it.
As I rest my head on my pillow and close my eyes, the only thing going through my mind is that he better have a damn good reason for this.
Rick Lawrence
I have a plan, and it’s not pretty. It’s going to ruin my life, but I have to force myself to do it.
Going inside the office building today seems impossible. I have to do it, but this is the worst, gut-twisting feeling I’ve ever had in my life. Nausea creeps up my throat every time I even think about it.
How could I be so stupid to think everything wouldn’t catch up to me? How could I ever think I could have a normal relationship with a woman I love, or a real job that I actually care about? That type of life doesn’t exist for a man like me.
Every footstep I take, it’s a knife in my gut, twisting and ripping, knowing what I have to do.
I have to look Mary in the eye and break her heart.
I have things I need to do, sins of my past I need to atone for, and she’s not safe around me. Nobody is safe around me. It’s why I’ve always kept everyone at arm’s length. I’ve never gotten close to anyone before her. She’s been pushing for this information, and I was going to give it to her and let the chips fall. I thought maybe there was a chance we could form a plan.
But not with my father back in the picture, blackmailing me into shit. It’s no longer safe.
If I’m honest with her, she’ll try to help me. She’ll want to be involved. I can’t let that happen. I don’t want her to be an accessory to anything. I won’t let my father ruin her life too.
The second I round the corner and see her, all the air leaves my lungs. I didn’t want to have to do this at the office, but anywhere else is just a bad idea.