this question coming. It should’ve been at the top of a list of possibilities but somehow, it escaped me. This could make or break everything. This is so important to her. If there’s one thing I do know, it’s that I just made her a promise, and all the deception and dumb shit I did before wasn’t what worked on her. Being honest, being myself, that’s what got Mary Patrick to actually go on a date with me. That’s what got her to trust me.
“Well…” I pause, trying to gather my thoughts.
Mary’s eyes narrow on mine.
“I know the answer, I’m trying to think of how to word this, to be as truthful as possible.”
She nods. “Okay, take your time.” The hope returns to her eyes, a little.
Be honest, fucker.
“The hard thing about this question, is that I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
I shake my head. “I’m still figuring a lot of things out. But, what I can tell you is, I didn’t for a long time. I’ve seen a lot of bad things, Mary. I’ve experienced bad things. I didn’t understand how the God from the Bible could allow those things to happen. When I first saw you, I did pretend for a while—memorized things, tried to impress you. It seems so stupid and foolish now. It had to be obvious what I was doing.”
I take a deep breath.
“But as I started memorizing things, I found myself reading a little more every day. When I volunteered at the church, I found myself listening to Pastor Jeremiah’s sermons a little more, soaking in parts of the Bible and his analysis of it, talking to him about stuff when we were alone together. So, being totally honest, I don’t know that I believe all the supernatural things like people in whales, parting seas, animals on a giant boat, Jesus rocketing up from the dead into the clouds. But when I look at you, and see your kindness, your heart, your patience, your beauty and talents, I see God’s work in that. I don’t know if that’s good enough for you, but it’s the truth.”
Mary’s eyes land on mine, and she looks like she’s in a trance. I can’t get a read on her whatsoever. My fingers tremble a little. My voice is shaky. This is the big one. It’s a huge deal to her and probably a deal breaker. I just got her to go out with me, and I don’t want to lose out on that, but I don’t want to pretend either. This is all or nothing right here, I just pray it’s good enough for her, who I am right now, and who I might be able to become.
“Did, umm, did I pass the test?”
It takes her a moment, but finally, she nods a little. All the air deflates out of my lungs, and pure relief washes over me.
“Yes, you passed.” This time she reaches over for my hand, and one of her fingers brushes against my knuckles. “And yes, it’s important to me, but I didn’t ask because I wanted to know if you believe or not. That’s between you and God, and none of my business. I wanted to see if you would be honest with me. That is what’s important to me. That you are Rick, and not someone else when you’re around me.”
My heart sinks a little, and the anxiety returns. I should feel relief, but I don’t. Because I don’t know if she can ever know everything about me. I smile to try to lighten the mood a little.
Mary glances around, and this time she’s the one who looks a little uneasy. It makes me wonder if she’s just saying I passed her test, to be nice, but really she’s going to want nothing to do with me. Because I don’t proclaim Jesus as my savior. I don’t know, I might, one day. I’m not going to fake that just to be with her, though.
“You sure I passed?” My eyes plead with her.
She just nods.
“Then what’s wrong?”
Mary finally sighs. “Is it that obvious?”
“Uh, yeah.”
She leans back a little in her seat and hugs her midsection. “I feel like such a hypocrite for demanding you to be honest when I haven’t been totally honest. Well, not to you, but I did something.”
“Like what?”
She continues like I didn’t just ask a question. “Something I shouldn’t have done, but I did it, for you.”
I sit there for a moment, not knowing if I want to hear it or