are red, violets are blue. I’m an asshole.”
I choke on a laugh. “Oh, Josh.”
His smile is wry. “Can we talk?”
My inhale is shaky. “Okay.”
He unzips his jacket and drapes it over the back of a stool.
“I’m here to apologize,” he says right away. “I was an asshole on Saturday night. I’m sorry I said what I said to you, about it not being your business whether Easton and I talk.”
I shake my head. “No, you were right.”
“No, I wasn’t.” His tone becomes more forceful. “It is your business. Because…” He stops and takes a long pull of air in through his nose, not looking at me.
I tuck my hair behind my ear, waiting uncertainly.
“It’s your business because I care about you. And I care about what you think. And I feel like you’re my business…” He winces. “This doesn’t sound right.”
I think I know what he’s saying. I think…I hope…
“I shouldn’t have interfered,” I say quietly. “I…I care too, Josh. I wanted you to be happy. And I thought fixing things with Easton would help you.”
“And you were right.” He gnaws on his lip.
“But I should have talked to you about it first. I know you don’t like things sprung on you. I tried to bring it up a few times, but you hadn’t even told me about Easton, so it was hard. And then we had that chance to get you two together…”
He rolls his eyes. “I probably wouldn’t have listened if you’d tried to talk to me. Because I’m an idiot.”
I cover his big hand with mine. “You’re not an idiot.”
“I have been. About a bunch of stuff.” He drops his gaze to our hands, turns his, and curls his fingers around mine.
“I wanted things set right but I wasn’t willing to take the risk and be vulnerable to make it happen. I think deep down inside I knew I was going to have to confront some painful truths about myself. I felt like I wasn’t worth loving because my friends didn’t even care enough to be there for me when I was at my lowest, but the truth is…I wasn’t there for them either. I’m ashamed.”
My eyes widen. “Oh, Josh. Is that what Easton told you?”
“Yeah.”
I press my hand to my hurting heart.
“He was right, though,” Josh adds quickly. “Totally. But…he did apologize. We both had valid reasons for not being able to help each other…both going through our own shit…but we both could have made more of an effort. It shouldn’t have taken this long.”
I nod slowly. “Do you think you two can be friends again?”
“I don’t know. But all I can do is try to be a friend to him. A better friend than I have been.”
My lungs expand and I can’t breathe for a few seconds. “Oh.”
“And…” He meets my eyes. “I want to try to be a better man for you too.”
I blink rapidly, my eyes prickling as I stare back at him.
“I was afraid. I’ve been afraid for a long time…that’s why I don’t like surprises. I like knowing what’s going to happen. You…were a surprise.”
I’m sitting very still, my heart thudding, barely breathing.
“The best surprise,” he adds. He lifts my hand to his mouth and kisses it.
A hot tear leaks out and slides down my cheek. “Really?”
He closes his eyes briefly. “Don’t do that.”
“D-do what?”
“Belittle yourself. I know why you do that—all the self-deprecating jokes.”
I can barely get out a whisper. “It’s because I’d rather belittle myself before someone else does.”
He nods. “Yeah. But don’t. You’re amazing. Strong and smart and talented. Look what you’ve accomplished. You’re a warrior, baby.”
A warrior. My heart squeezes. “So are you.”
“I’m trying.”
“I’m going to try too. I know I’m a lot…I’m screwy and weird and impulsive. I’ll try to be better.”
He shakes his head. “No. Don’t change that. I…love you for those things.”
My throat closes up and my heart nearly leaps out of my chest. “You love me?”
“I love you.”
My bottom lip quavers. “I love you too.”
He pulls me into his arms, up against him, his body hot and trembling and so, so strong. Our mouths meet in a long, fraught kiss…desperate, grateful, relieved, and hopeful. I open to him and let his tongue slide inside, kissing him back, my hands holding on to his shoulders like I’m drowning.
I feel like I’m drowning. Sinking. Falling. Surrounded by shimmering light and muted sounds. I’m breathless and dizzy and floating.
I pull back and he rests his nose alongside mine, his hands in my hair.