crowd. I just want to be home.
I get this painfully hopeful idea that maybe Josh is there waiting for me. It turns out to be a stupid idea because he’s not. But at least I’m home, where I’m safe, where I can let my emotions flow and try to sort them out.
I lay down on my bed, face in the pillow. My body aches and feels cold. After a while, I get up and change from my jeans and sweater into flannel jammies and socks, and I climb under the covers.
I don’t know what to do next. I guess I should apologize to Josh for interfering in his life. That brings tears to my eyes again because it still hurts that he sees it that way, like I’m nobody to him, or maybe just a sex buddy who doesn’t get to have any input into his life. Did I misread things with us? Probably. I’ve never done this before…I’ve never gotten so close with someone, close enough to have sex, close enough to trust them with my heart.
More pain washes through me, my throat throbbing. I curl onto my side, my fist pressed to my mouth. Well. I’ll send him an apology tomorrow. Tonight…I’ll just cry.
Chapter 25
Josh
Sunday’s a day off, but I wish it weren’t.
I need to do something to get out of my head. And out of my apartment.
So I jump into my car and drive to the practice facility to work out. I love the speed on the parkway along the river with relatively little traffic. Thoughts drift in and out of my head. I’m still pissed. Still full of adrenaline. I slept last night only because when I got home, I started drinking tequila.
At the arena I swipe my card to enter and change into workout clothes. Exercise will help with the buzz of adrenaline that makes me want to punch someone. Or something. It’ll also help with the slight fog of a hangover.
I still can’t believe Sara did that. Went behind my back. Talked to Lilly about me.
Fuck! That’s humiliating.
I pump weights, straining my muscles until sweat dribbles down my face. And my back.
Then they planned that? As if we’re two kids the teachers have to bring together: Say you’re sorry to Easton, little Joshy.
Fuck that. I’m not sorry.
Okay, I didn’t realize what was happening with Easton at the time after the bus accident, when I was in the hospital. There’s a lot I don’t remember about that time. I don’t remember him talking to me in the hospital in Swift Current. I remember feeling alone. Lost. The guys I’d spent all my time with were no longer in my life. Especially Easton and Hunter. They were just…gone. Everything I knew was gone.
And I had enough problems to deal with.
I move to the sled and load it with a bunch of weights, then push it. My legs are screaming by the time I’ve done the eight reps. So I do two more.
I grab a towel and swipe off my face, breathing hard.
I keep thinking about Easton after the crash. I knew his brother and his dad had died. I felt sad about it. Bryce was like a big brother to me too for all the time we spent together, and Easton’s dad was a mentor. I mourned their deaths too, along with the others who’d lost their lives. But somehow I’d never pictured eighteen-year-old Easton planning funerals. And I never knew about his mom.
Fuck.
I lie down on the mat, ready to do some pushups and planks. Instead, for a moment, I stretch out on my back, my eyes closed, heart thumping.
And I think about Sara.
I’m so confused.
I shouldn’t have gotten involved with her. I knew that all along. A girlfriend wasn’t part of my plan when I came here. Okay, I didn’t have much of a plan when I came here because being traded also wasn’t in my plan. But I should have just focused on hockey…on being the best I could, showing the team that wanted me that they’d made the right decision. I don’t like surprises and I definitely don’t like being ambushed. And Sara keeps doing that to me. Only this time, it was too much.
I have to end things with her.
I roll onto my belly and start pushing up onto straight arms, keeping my core tight. Again. And again. Gritting my teeth. Grunting.
I should have known better. A relationship will mess up my life. I’d rather have boring than messed