back to Rest. I’ll handle things here.”
No. No, no, no. I was screaming it on the inside as I stood silently. I didn’t want to go back. I was supposed to be here. I’d never felt so sure of anything in my life until right now, as I was on the verge of leaving. I had to stay.
“I’ll take you back tomorrow.” He turned to walk out.
Nooooo. Say something, you idiot!
“That might not be a good idea,” I blurted out before he’d gotten through the door. He turned, waiting to hear what I would say.
“I might need to do it again,” I said. “I’m not sure how well I did the spell. It might fall apart. I should probably stay for a bit, just to make sure.” There. I’d said it. I’d pretty much told him I wanted to stay. I’d made the first step. I could do it. I could make this place home. In truth, it was already home. The idea of leaving, even with everything that happened here, left me feeling like I was gaping wide open, worse than last night or the grouslie attack.
Hawk would want me to stay. He’d forced me to be here this whole time. Plus, the way he looked at me sometimes, like I could do anything I put my mind to? Why wouldn’t he want me to stay?
Why wasn’t he saying that, though? Why was he standing there so quiet?
“What if it gets weak? Maybe I should stay another few days to make sure,” I said, aiming a little lower.
Hawk still wasn’t saying anything, and he wasn’t looking as happy as I’d hoped. Not that he was the jump-up-and-down type, but there was usually some sign of pleasure, and I was getting none. If anything, I was picking up on some of the I’m sorry vibes I’d caught from him when he booted Belinda. Except this time they were aimed at me, and it felt even worse than I’d imagined.
He finally spoke. “It’ll hold long enough. You held up your end. It’s time for you to go. It’s for the best.”
And there it was. It didn’t matter if I wanted to stay here. This wasn’t my home, and there was no invitation on the table. Worse, he wanted me to leave. That was it. The job was done and so was I. He didn’t need me anymore, and that was the end of the road.
I broke eye contact, looking back to the crowd. It felt like if I looked at him now, some part of me would start to unravel until I was just a big knotted heap on the floor.
He didn’t move, and I kept staring at the crowd. When I eventually looked back, he was gone.
44
I slept for most of the day. Zab stopped by, bringing me a cocoa. Musso came by to check in. By that night, I wasn’t sure if I was still tired and weak or just dreading what was to come so badly that I didn’t want to get up and face reality. I’d spent so much time trying to get out of here that the idea of lying in bed to avoid leaving seemed absurd.
I’d tossed the ideas over and over again in my head, trying to find some other logical reason why I dreaded leaving this place. There was only one. This felt like home. These people had come to feel like family, even if not all of them wanted me here.
I got up and walked downstairs, knowing this might be my last night in this place. There wasn’t a soul in the office. I walked about the room, ran a hand over my table, my baskets, my weird little plant. I looked up at Helen.
“It was nice working with you,” I said, feeling like I was speaking to a coworker.
A slip flew out and tumbled in the air a few times before landing right side up in front of my feet.
Don’t leave.
I picked up the slip. No one had ever told me Helen could talk.
I looked up at the giant machine. “I have to go. I’m not welcome here anymore.”
Another slip flew out and landed in front of me.
You’ll be back. You’re meant to be here.
The message ripped at my insides. Even Helen thought I should stay, but she wasn’t calling the shots, and I had nowhere else to go. There was no choice but to leave.
“I have to, so please, don’t make me feel worse about it.”
Another slip shot out. It