you alone for a while,” she says and turns to leave.
“Wait,” I blurt out. “Did the doctors say anything about her condition? I mean, is she healthy?”
Clove gasps from behind me.
“I just came on a few hours ago, Mr. Calloway. I will find someone who can answer those questions for you right away, okay?”
“I would appreciate that. Thank you.”
By the time I turn back around, Clove has the baby covered up and I can hear the sweet sound of her feeding, suckling on her breast.
“Hey.”
I place my hand under Clove’s chin and make her lift her gaze to mine.
“Don’t hide that from me. From here on out I want to witness everything, and that includes you feeding Journey.”
Her shoulders start to shake and I silence her with a finger to her mouth.
“It’s all right. Please let me see her, see you.”
She removes the blanket and there she is. My heart leaps with excitement, joy, and an abundance of happiness, because for the first time my little miracle girl is looking right at me with eyes the color of mine.
“You know her name?” Clove asks.
“I do. Zack told me. It’s the most beautiful name I have ever heard. It’s perfect for her. She’s perfect. And she’s ours.”
I place my hand on my daughter for the very first time, right over her heart.
“Hi, little Miss Journey Calloway. I’m your daddy.”
Chapter Sixteen
Clove
I’m trying to assess the emotions I experienced on seeing my husband. I knew he was standing behind me even though I had my back to him, and when I heard his voice so familiar and yet so unfamiliar at the same time, I wanted to reach out to him. When I felt his touch sear my skin, I nearly came undone.
How many times I have lain awake at night aching for him to touch me, to look into my eyes and tell me he loves me and that everything will be all right? That’s the part that scares me the most. I don’t know if everything will ever be the same as it was before. How can it be?
None of them knows what it’s like to be trapped inside of your own head and feel like there is no way out. I want it to end, for all of the ugly to go away, leave me be, and let me live this life that I have been blessed with.
For a long time fear has paralyzed me¸ nearly destroyed me. I almost took my own life because of it. It’s manifesting inside my body, eating away at me, slowly destroying the happiness I could have that is sitting right beside me.
These are the thoughts that are running through my head right now as I feed Journey, with Turner by my side talking to her and getting to know his little girl. I should be rejoicing in this. My family is together, my daughter has her father, and he has her. I am absolutely elated to be home, to be with him, to see my family and to watch them interact as they get to know Journey and she them. So why do I feel like I can’t breathe; like I am suffocating to death?
Pain shoots through my chest, so powerful it has my head reeling back against the pillow. I hold my breath, willing it away, closing my eyes as I breathe in and out slowly until it decreases in its intensity.
“I think she looks just like me, don’t you?” Turner says with excitement, intervening in my dark thoughts. The pain in my chest is still there, but tolerable now.
“Well, I don’t know. Let’s put the two of you side by side and see.”
I’m hopeful that when I see him hold her for the first time, I am able to escape my apprehension and focus on seeing the man I love hold his child for the first time.
His eyes go wide and I chuckle.
“Oh, come on,” I urge, nudging him in the shoulder. “She’s not made of glass. Plus, look at the way she can’t take her eyes off of you. It’s like she knows who you are already. Go ahead, take her.”
I remove her from my breast, wiping her mouth with the edge of the blanket.
“Here, just put your hand under her head and the other one under her bottom.”
Turner gets out of the bed and sits in the chair next to it, and I hand Journey over to him. I laugh as he attentively does as I instruct, but holds