the tiny little human Clove and I made together.
I swipe the screen and there she is, her sleeping form cradled closely to Krista. I can’t even form adequate thoughts. All I can do is stare.
She has a ton of dark brown hair similar to my own. Her nose is small and shaped just like her mother’s. Her pouty little lips are so tiny. Her small fingers are bunched up in a fist. My world is turned upside down in the best way possible and I cannot believe we have a daughter.
“She’s like a ray of sunshine in all of this darkness, isn’t she?” I ask, never once removing my eyes from her.
God, I cannot control my emotions anymore when I think about everything I have missed with her so far; all the doctor visits that Clove and I should have gone to together; hearing her heartbeat for the first time; Clove and I deciding if we wanted to know the sex of the baby. I missed seeing her come into this world, watching her take her first breath, changing her diapers, feeding her, talking to her. Every fucking thing. I have missed it all.
I start to cry, not caring about a damned thing except being the best father I can be for this precious little girl who I have yet to meet. She already has me wrapped around her finger just by looking at her. I won’t miss anything ever again because this angel, a gift from God, will never be out of my sight again.
Clove and I should be relishing in all of this together, but in all likelihood, we won’t be. There is still so much for us to get through. My love for her will never fail; under no circumstances will it waver. I have no clue how she feels, or what she is thinking. Will she want me and need me like I still need her? Like I need both of my girls? Will we ever be whole again?
“Turner.”
Zack speaks softly as I start to calm down, thankful they both gave me the time I needed to grieve and get this all out.
“I’m good. It’s just all too overwhelming, you know? I feel like I should be there to meet her for the first time with Clove by my side. So much has been taken away from us. I won’t let them take away my memory of meeting my daughter for the first time. And I want my wife with me when I do.”
I hand him his phone back, pausing mid-way.
“Can you screenshot that and send it to me, please?” I ask, then walk into the adjoining bathroom.
I splash cold water on my face several times, trying to calm myself down. It’s welcome, but it does nothing to help with the emotional overload running through me. I need to see my wife, goddamn it. What the hell is taking so long? They have been in there for fucking hours and no one has gone in or out. I dry my hands, deciding then and there I am going to demand some answers.
When I step out of the bathroom, my mother, Bill, and everyone else including the doctor I saw enter her room several hours ago are all standing there. I approach them with trepidation.
“Is everything all right?”
“Everything is fine, Mr. Calloway,” says the doctor. “Have a seat, please. There are a few things I would like to discuss with you about your wife before you see her.”
“I don’t understand. I thought you just said everything was all right?”
“Physically, yes, she is fine. Better than I would have expected after everything she has been through. It’s more her mental state I am worried about. Please, let’s take a seat so we can talk about a few things. I can only imagine how anxious you, well all of you, are to see her.”
All of us take a seat as the early morning light starts to make its appearance through the windows. Someone, I’m not sure who, turns off the television. The room becomes eerily quiet in the wee hours of the morning.
“You all need to tread carefully when you see her. I won’t allow any questions right now,” the doctor says once we get settled, directing his attention to Zack and Martinez, who give him an understanding look.
“She also needs her daughter. I will find out what is going on with her as soon as we are finished up here. I have her lightly sedated so she can