he left, but I know deep down he hasn’t. He wouldn’t, not without being certain I’m okay. Don’t ask me how I know that, even when the fog that inevitably follows an episode settles in my brain. I’m so goddamn tired of this. Though it feels as if this was a short one and nowhere near as bad as it could have been, thanks to Benny.
I bury my face in his fur, and he lets out a whoof. What am I gonna say to Julian? Sorry for being a freak? For acting like a madman? Do I assure him he shouldn’t be scared, even though I have no way of knowing whether he has reason to or not? I’ve never been violent during an episode, but then again, I’ve never had one around other people. That’s primarily because I simply haven’t been around other people. Not since it got this bad.
I thought I’d beaten it. After Lucky visited me, a month after I’d come back from my last deployment, I’d been so ashamed of the state he’d found me in that I vowed to get my shit together. And for a month or two, three, that worked. I gained some weight, managed to get some stuff done, and I even joined him and his men on a sailing trip.
But then the package from Alex had come and, with it, the nightmares. The darkness. This deep sense of hopelessness I’d never thought I’d feel. I’m a fucking Army Ranger. How did I turn into this? Shame and embarrassment fill me all over again.
I don’t know how long I’ve been on the ground, pretending nothing happened, but it must’ve been more than a few minutes. Time to face the music, I guess. I open my eyes and reluctantly let go of Benny. He gets off me, but he’s right by my side as I scramble to my feet with a complete lack of coordination.
Julian stands at a distance, watching me. Or us, I should say. His face shows concern, but not the disgust or shock I expected.
“Are you okay?” he asks. “Is there anything I can do?”
The pity in his eyes kills me. I’ve always been the kind of man others admired. Strong, a leader. A Ranger. And now? I’m a shell of my former self, a shadow of who I once was…and I have no idea how to deal with that.
“I need to sleep,” I say, my voice raw.
“Okay. I can come back tomorrow. Would you like me to leave Benny here, or would you prefer some time alone?”
I blink. He’d be okay with leaving his dog with me, even after what just happened? “I’m not sure I can take care of him.”
His face softens. “You don’t need to. Allow him to take care of you. All he needs is food, and I’ve brought enough for a week. I’ve prepared written instructions, so it’s super easy.”
He points at the carton box he dropped when he tripped over the pole. Several bags of dog food, toys, and some other stuff I can’t identify this quickly.
“I’m… I can’t think right now.”
“I understand. I’ll put this on your kitchen counter and leave, and I’ll call tomorrow.”
I nod, too dazed to say anything. I don’t want him here with his bright blue eyes, which are supposed to be repulsed or scared or even shocked but instead show nothing but kindness.
Julian kneels. “Benny,” he says. Benny licks my hand a last time, then darts over to Julian and immediately lies at his feet. Julian rubs Benny’s head affectionately. “Such a good boy. You did good, Benny. You made me proud. Now, go take care of him, okay? This is what we trained for. You’ve got this.”
The episode must have fucked me up more than I realized because a mushy feeling settles in my chest as I watch them. Benny happily wags his tail, his face showing joy and pride at the praise. Julian kisses his head, then rises.
“He’s yours now,” he tells me, and then he walks off with the box into the house. He comes out with empty hands, and with a last wave, he gets into his car and drives off.
Benny is at my side, tilting his head expectantly. He’s mine now, Julian said. The weight of that responsibility lies like a heavy stone in the pit of my stomach. “I’ll try.” I scratch him behind his ears. “That’s all I can promise you, but don’t expect miracles from me.”
He wags his tail again,