whole damn pack; I just need a goddamn cigarette because I don’t know what to do with myself after what Julian said.
I guess Lucky was right. Julian really does like me. I have no fucking clue why because even though I can see I’ve made progress, I’m still a grumpy, depressed guy without a real job or decent prospects in life. Luckily, I saved up enough money to buy my house in cash, and I live quite frugally, but at some point, I’ll need to get a job, and I have no idea what I could do without my PTSD fucking it up.
Not that Julian would need me to be the breadwinner. He’s built an excellent life for himself, and even though he’s facing a big setback, he’ll get back up. He’s too determined, too stubborn not to. No, he doesn’t need me financially…and in fact, I don’t even think he cares about money. He’s never brought it up.
He likes you for you. The voice in my head sounds like the voice-over of a Hallmark movie, all warm and understanding. The voice of reason, except that to me, that cliché doesn’t sound reasonable at all. He likes me for me? What the fuck? My body, okay. I could understand that. But me as a person?
Ten years ago, sure. I was witty, strong, had a career. I’m not saying I was carefree because I don’t think I’ve ever been. That’s not how I’m wired. But I didn’t have this load on my shoulders that has been crushing me.
Although lately, the dark clouds over my head seem more gray than black, the edges more silver lined each day. All because of Julian. He’s brought happiness and light into my life, driving away the painful memories and distressing thoughts. If I let him, he’d change me into a happy little beam of sunshine just like him.
If I let him. If I let him into my life, into my heart. If I dare to take this crazy step, this big jump into the unknown and start something real with him. If I stop being afraid and have the courage to admit what we both know: what we have between us was never casual. How could it be, with me being who I am and he so caring and invested? The guy loves animals so much that we turned our motel room into a nativity scene with only a baby missing. And the virgin Mary, but maybe my gay virginity counts?
I snort at my own joke, even though it was godawful. God, how pathetic. I’ve reached that stage now, where you laugh at your own jokes while everyone else thinks they suck. Whatever. I’ll take my joy where I can find it.
Like with Julian. He makes me happy. He makes me want to be a better man. He chases away the darkness. No matter what happens, no matter how our relationship ends, right now, that’s enough. And I not only deserve that; I want to embrace it.
I don’t know why he wants me, but maybe I don’t need to know. Maybe it’s enough to trust he’s telling the truth and let this take its course. Because even if we break up at some point, which I absolutely count on, I’ll still be a better person for having been allowed to spend this time with him.
My mind made up, I make my way back to the motel room.
28
Julian
There’s a donkey on the bed.
It’s not my fault that Doc felt bad for me after Ranger left to get some air. PP really doesn’t seem that amused by the situation, but I feel a bit better lying on the bed with Doc’s head on my chest, stroking the soft fur between his eyes.
Ranger’s been gone so long I’m half convinced he got in his truck and just kept heading north, leaving my needy butt in his rearview mirror. I’ve been too afraid to get up and check. I wouldn’t blame him. I told him I was fine with casual and then went and started talking about feelings a few weeks later. It’s bad hookup etiquette; everyone knows that.
The door to the room eases open, and I hear a sigh before he’s even all the way back in the room.
“So, this is a thing, huh?” he asks, sounding halfway between amused and resigned.
“Doc, get down.” I sign at him, but he just pushes his head harder against my chest, pretending like he doesn’t know what I’m telling him to