to take me down, I didn’t know that I was going to end up in hand cuffs, I just didn’t know any of this...
“I don’t know, I’m sorry.” I turn my face away from him, needing to hide my shame. I have definitely ruined things now. I’m sure there is no coming back from this. “I’m so sorry, Marc. I’m sorry.”
I’m not just apologizing to him; I’m apologizing to my son as well for messing up his life over and over again. But he can’t hear me, CPS has taken away him from me because they feel I’m clearly unfit as a mother. They are about to trust Ronnie, a man who has never had anything to do with Travis, over me because someone somewhere has made the decision that he is a better option.
I know he isn’t, there is no way in hell that he can be, but in this deep pit of depression I can feel myself tumbling in to, I start telling myself that anyone would be better than me. Maybe even him...
21
Marc
January 23rd
“I don’t understand,” I mutter sadly to myself as I watch Aisha being led away into the police car. “Why did this happen? I don’t get it. This could have all been avoided…”
But for all this not to happen, she should have talked to me and I guess she must not feel comfortable doing that. She doesn’t like taking anything from me, she refuses to take a damn thing from me because she doesn’t seem to want to be helped, but she’s more than willing to take out some dodgy illegal loan online. What the hell does that say about our relationship? I thought that we had a good one and that she trusted me. I guess I was completely blind.
“Excuse me, Sir,” the CPS officer asks as she tries to slide by me… but I can’t just let her go because she has Travis with her, and I know that this is the part which upset Aisha the most.
“Where are you going?” I demand. “Where are you taking Travis?”
The poor kid looks terrified. I can see it in his eyes that he’s begging me for help. His one stability has been driven away in a cop car which must be terrible, and now I’m all that’s left. He doesn’t know this woman and he sure as shit doesn’t know this father of his, so he can’t be taken to go and live with him. That’s absolutely crazy, they can’t just do that because of biology. All I want to do is take Travis’s hand and to save him, but I can’t. This is a very serious legal situation, and I don’t want to make it any worse than it already is.
“I can’t discuss this with you,” the bitchy woman replies tartly. “You are not the boy’s father. You aren’t related to Travis at all, so this is a conversation that can’t be had.”
I part my lips with a million and one arguments crossing my lips, but all of them fall away because there really isn’t anything that I can do here. It isn’t even like Travis has been living with me for years, and I have been dating his mother forever. It’s been a few weeks. I don’t have any right to say anything, even if I really want to.
Travis stares at me like I’m letting him down as he is dragged from my home, and that’s exactly how I feel as well. Like I am failing him, but the more I fight this, the worse I will make it for everyone in the long run. I can’t sort this short term, but I can in the long term… somehow. I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do, but I will do something.
As soon as they are gone, I feel all of the air strip from my body. I can now understand why Aisha ended up in a pile on the floor, because the energy literally zapped from her. There wasn’t anything left, and that’s a bit like me right now.
My family… my happiness… it’s all gone, and I am the only one who can sort it.
“What the fuck?” I slam my front door hard and let out an impressively loud growl. “What the fuck just happened? One minute I was thinking about babies and stuff, and now… now I don’t know what the fuck is going on. Aisha is in a police cell; Travis is with the CPS.”
My head falls