really didn’t want to come back home to a stack of bills, especially since I am well and truly in the Christmas spirit, but I guess there’s no escaping it. I take them from Travis and send him in to the living room to play with his new toys. He goes willingly and happily because he has no idea what a nightmare these bills are to me. He doesn’t understand the anxiety they cause because I know I can’t afford them.
“Do I really need to do this now?” I mutter to myself. “Can’t I put it off for a little while longer?”
I really do consider this, I would love to stay in the fantasy, in the dream we’re just a little while longer, but I suppose it isn’t going anywhere. I have to face it eventually. I suppose there is no time like the present.
I drop them on the dining room table and make myself a coffee first before I finally sit down and I go through the final notices, the warnings, some even threats. These letters really used to make me sick to my stomach. I used to read them while hardly breathing and panicking that the world was closing in around me, but now it’s strange how numb I feel, how little this affects me because I’m just so used to it. I wish it wasn’t; I would much prefer it if this wasn’t even a feature of my life, but there’s so little I can do.
Marc has helped me a lot. By paying off the school fees and making sure I don’t need to worry about it for the rest of the year is incredible. It solves one of my major problems, but I still have more. I can’t escape all of them...
“Oh my God.” All of a sudden, I spot something that I didn’t see before. Another letter that I have become used to seeing, but that I really didn’t want to face right now. I have been trying too hard to keep on top of things, especially when it comes to this, but it seems like I have failed anyway. “An eviction notice.”
I tear it open and read the words inside, my heart sinking further and further as I take it all in. I didn’t even realize that I was late on my rent, I guess I have forgotten everything with all that has been going on distracting me. It seems that hasn’t just been for this month either. Judging by this letter there have been a few months where I haven’t paid, where I have let things slide, and now those months are coming back to haunt me.
“Shit.” I rake my fingers nervously through my hair as tears start to drop from my eyes. “Is this landlord going to be a forgiving one?”
Over the years, I have had some who will listen to me when I explain my situation, who will give me another chance, who would want Travis and me to stay above water, but I don’t know if I will get that here. I’m not sure if it’s possible to get that lucky. Just when I was thinking things were going well between Marc and myself, this happens to spoil everything. Just a reminder that life can’t be all good.
I wander into the living room and look at my son, my poor boy who deserves so much better. He has just settled here really, he’s just got back in to school and he’s so happy, and now I might have to put him through yet another upheaval.
“I need to stay,” I remind myself quietly. “I need to find a way to remain here. We have just got the school all sorted out. I can’t lose all of that now.”
Of course, Marc is in my mind as well. I can’t help it. I know that I’m not supposed to be getting in too deep with him, but I already am. I can’t keep him out of my mind and my plans. It might be really silly of me, but I can’t help it.
But how am I going to sort that? How am I going to sort out some money to pay off this back rent just in case the landlord isn’t an understanding one. That would be the ideal situation, but making it happen is going to be another thing. I don’t have many options...
My family. I don’t want to think about my parents, especially not at a time like this, but I