I swept inside the house, my attention was on my mother in an oversized t-shirt hanging off her shoulder and the same burgundy scarf she had since I was in sixth grade. Wildly, my eyes swung across the living room, small dining area, and kitchen. I didn’t see anyone.
“It’s late, Tori.”
I turned to her, anger stirring in my belly. “I got home a couple of hours ago and came straight here. You weren’t home.”
She sighed, hand brushed up her nose then rubbed her eyes. “I had to clean the bathrooms before I left. The cleaning guy ain’t show up for his shift today so I had to do extra. It ain’t like you always be here no ways. Figured you went up to North Jersey with Cut, or something.”
“I told you I was coming here.” I turned to face her, wondering if he was in her room. “I thought you left me hanging like you been doing all semester with my money.”
“Look, KaToria, I’m tired. Been busting my ass for months now, tryna keep a job.” She yawned, pointing to the table. “That’s most of the money from August.”
“August?” She had to be joking. It’s not like I’d keep the whole check. She always took most, if not half for bills.
“I’mma get the rest to you as soon as I can. I had to get paid up on the rent and my cell phone.”
“Why couldn’t you just tell me that before I left for school?”
“Tell you what?”
“That you lost your job.”
“Girl, you ain’t hardly around. Like I said, you be up in North Jersey so much.”
“But that’s something you should’ve told me, Ma.”
“Tori!” she grunted with her fists in the air and eyes closed. “I did what I had to do. Now, I told you I’m tired. I gotta open in the morning.”
She looked tired. My mother was a brown girl like me, but shorter—average height—and plump. As large as my tits were, I could never fit my mother’s underclothes. My mother and her sister, who was shorter than my mother, were both thick women. I could make out the print of her tear-shape boobs and low nipples through her thin gown—or shirt she used as one. I wondered if she was too tired for company, or if her company was back in her bedroom.
“You back messing with Paul?”
“Tori!”
“Answer me!”
Her eyes opened, lips parted, and head swung back. “I ain’t gotta explain shit to you!”
“Paul, Ma? You know what happened with him.”
She waved me off. “I remember that misunderstanding that Mommy got in the middle of. You grown now, Tori.” Her head shook. “‘Bout to be nineteen. That shit you said when you was a kid is done.”
That felt like a blow to my stomach.
Done…
That word replayed in my mind over and over and over again. All the fear, the confusion, the smell of him, the scent of his nasty deep breaths, that nausea… That wasn’t done. That would never be done. I could still smell him—feel him in my mouth…on my hands. The sound of my pulse in my ears, the turning over of my stomach when he was near. The pain from the muscle in my eyes from trying to pretend I was sleeping when he’d come into my room.
“THAT WAS REAL!” I screamed from the bottom of my belly as my fists clenched painfully tight. My body trembled and I struggled to breathe.
My mother’s bally frame jumped and her wide eyes blinked hard. “KaToria!” Her mouth moved, but no words came out as she watched the tears drop from my stubborn eyes. We’d always avoided this topic. It’s how my Margaret taught me to manage her. But my mother couldn’t be this dense. She saw the paperwork, knew his sentence. It was all very real and no misunderstanding. “I’m tired. I don’t have time for this. You wanna know what good Paul’s been to me?” She pointed to the table again. “There it is. Everything ain’t about you, child. You grown now. I need a life, too. Shit!” She turned for the back of the house.
“He here?”
“Who?” she shouted back. “Paul?” When I didn’t speak, she got her answer. “No, he ain’t here, Tori!” She walked off again.
“Is he coming here tonight?”
“I ‘on’t know!” She swung her arm behind her back. “I said I’m fucking tired!”
Seconds later, her door slammed. That was it. She shut down. And I was fuming, hot to the touch. My entire frame vibrated with violent energy. Never in my life did I