having sex. That would have felt totally wrong, not to mention embarrassing. Besides, Seth had a girlfriend at that point and hadn’t yet resolved whether he was bisexual or totally gay. Amber knew he was gay, one hundred per cent. Everyone at university had known it; even the girlfriend knew she was fighting a losing battle, although she didn’t want to admit it. Only George persisted in the theory that he was straight and pretending to be gay so he could get closer to Amber.
Seth researched DIY artificial insemination online and ordered a turkey baster. Amber calculated when she should be ovulating and took the day off work. He came round to number 74 and went into the bathroom for what turned out to be a considerable length of time. Amber remembers how nervous and excited she felt waiting for him to come out with his plastic bottle. Then it was her turn to go into the bedroom and do the business with the giant syringe. It didn’t seem to work very well; what little sperm Seth had managed to produce dribbled out. Nevertheless, she lay on her back with her legs in the air for an hour while Seth made tea and brought it to the bedside. It was all a bit of a laugh, she remembers, like they were a couple of kids playing doctors and nurses. Considering the immensity of what they were trying to do, and the implications of them succeeding, neither of them took it seriously enough.
Amber didn’t have to wait for her period to know it hadn’t worked. Turkey basters weren’t the answer; she needed proper professional help. That was why she broached the subject with George again, and why they had such a bad row. And that was how she ended up having sex with Lewis. It was a game of consequences, only instead of a funny picture at the bottom of the page, she created a real-life human being.
Her heart heaves with love for Mabel and dark thoughts loom, but she bats them away.
She needs to talk to Seth urgently, before the story breaks in the media. He still doesn’t know that he’s indisputably not Mabel’s father. Despite his assertions that he had no interest in parenthood, she worries that he’s still holding a flickering torch of hope that Mabel is his. Why else back away the moment she was taken? Amber can only guess that he was thinking of her, as always, not wanting to complicate the situation and put her under more pressure from George. But they’re well beyond that now. Picking up her mobile, she dials his number. As before, it goes straight to voicemail without giving her an opportunity to leave a message. Sniffing back the tears, she sends him what she promises herself will be a final plea.
Darling, please call me. I’ve lost everyone – you’re the only one left. Why are you ignoring me? Have I done something wrong? Please, please get in touch. Love you. A xx
And as a reminder of all that they’ve been to each other, she adds a PS: Don’t forget to delete.
Eyes bleary, she lifts her head. Somebody is knocking and ringing at the front door. Wretched journos. ‘Piss off!’ she shouts, covering her ears. She won’t speak to any of them. They are hyenas, picking over the dead scraps of her life. ‘Leave me alone!’
But the knocking and ringing continue. What is going on? She gets up and walks onto the landing, where she stands at the top of the stairs hugging herself protectively. The flap of the letter box opens and she half expects to see a flaming rag thrown through, but instead she hears a familiar voice.
‘Amber? It’s Sally. I know you’re there. Please open the door.’
The FLO was supposed to turn up this morning, but in the trauma, Amber forgot all about it. She runs down the stairs, her brain already tripping over itself. Sally’s tone sounded urgent. Something has happened. Has Mabel been found?
She opens up and quickly lets Sally in. The dark expression on the officer’s face immediately tells Amber that she’s not bearing good news.
‘What is it?’ she gasps.
‘Let’s go upstairs. Away from this mob.’ Sally nods at her to lead the way. Amber’s legs feel like jelly as she climbs back to the first floor. Can Sally smell the alcohol on her breath? She covers her face with her hand and surreptitiously sniffs. The results are inconclusive.
They go into the front room. Amber