to invade her mind, fuelled by the alcohol, which is now on a helter-skelter ride through her body. She feels dizzy and grips the edge of the granite worktop to steady herself.
‘Damn you, Ruby,’ she mutters. ‘You should have let me tell him in my own time.’
She pours a third glassful, then throws the empty bottle into the sink. Staggering across the room, she collapses in the armchair in the corner, where she so often sat to breastfeed – or rather, try to. The cushions smell vaguely of stale milk and sicky infant dribble, conjuring up the feel of Mabel wriggling in her arms. Curling herself into a hedgehog-like ball, Amber buries her head and cries.
Where has George gone? she wonders. He shouldn’t be driving in that state. When she told him the truth, he went all rigid, as if he’d been tasered, and his mouth gaped, but no sound came out. Then suddenly he exploded like a bomb. He thumped the walls with his fists and even his forehead. His anger was uncontrollable; at one point she thought he was going to strike her and had to lock herself in the bathroom. The neighbours must have heard it. The whole street was probably listening in. The shame of it … the shame. She was terrified for herself, but now she’s terrified for George. He could easily have an accident or knock over a pedestrian. She needs to find him before he does something that he’ll later regret. Not that he’ll listen to her. Their marriage is wrecked. Over. Irreparable. She feels utterly alone.
George is her life partner. Amber can’t remember what it was like to be single and can’t imagine being without him. He is part of her, an extra limb. She could no more cut him off than she could her own hand. If that’s a definition of love, then she loves him with all her heart. But as time has gone on, she’s realised they have little in common. The uncomfortable truth is that if she met him now, she would find him sexually attractive but not be that interested in his personality. It’s a horrible thing to admit, even to herself. She hasn’t even said that to Seth, and he knows everything: how much she misses her dead father, how problematic she finds her mother, how ambivalent she feels towards Ruby, how much she longed to have a baby, how frustrated she was with George for refusing to get tested …
When she and Seth decided – after several vodkas in the Ice Bar in Mayfair – that he would donate his sperm, their friendship moved to a whole new level. They were having one of their secret get-togethers – usually a pizza in Soho followed by either a film or cocktails, occasionally both. George didn’t know about their meetings, because as far as he was concerned, Seth was banned. It was absurd. Amber and Seth were best friends, that was all; there wasn’t a glimmer of attraction there. They were on the same course at university and went through three significant years of growing up together, supporting each other through some rough times. George didn’t have the imagination to believe that a man and woman could be friends without wanting to jump into bed. He decided for no good reason that he hated Seth, and after they graduated, he refused to meet up socially or invite him over to their house. At first Amber continued to see Seth on the quiet because she was embarrassed; then she told him about George’s reaction and they began what they laughingly called their ‘sordid affair’. It was a bit of fun really, pretending to be lovers, making secret phone calls and sending saucy texts almost every day. They even had a running joke about deleting messages. Beneath it all, however, there was something deep and genuine. Quite simply, Seth was the dearest friend she’d ever had.
He’d always insisted that he didn’t want children: ‘Population is the world’s biggest problem and I’m not going to add to it.’ But for Amber he would make an exception. He swore he would never tell a soul or stake a claim to the child if she conceived. ‘Your secret will be safe with me, darling,’ he said. ‘I’ll take it to my grave.’
But a decision made in drunkenness can be hard to carry out in the sober light of day. They didn’t know how to do it. There was no question of actually