I was, I still kept the faith.’
He grimaces. ‘I’m so sorry for how I treated you. I was an idiot.’
‘Shh, that’s in the past now. We’re together again, that’s all that matters.’
‘And with a ready-made addition to the family,’ he says, waving at Mabel, who is still gazing at him adoringly. ‘Gosh, she’s beautiful. And she looks so well. You’ve done a great job of looking after her.’
‘Hmm. She doesn’t make it easy sometimes … Come on, tell me the story. How did you know it was me who took her?’
Seth contemplates for a few moments, his hand idly kneading my shoulder. ‘I remembered how much you wanted us to have a baby, and how upset and angry you were when you found out that I’d donated sperm to Amber.’
I don’t deny it. The pain I felt that day has never completely gone away. It lurks deep inside my system, stabbing me at moments when I least expect it. Anything can trigger the memory: opening my laptop, searching the internet for something completely unconnected. I shouldn’t have been snooping on Seth’s computer, but I felt I had no choice. There was something going on, something he was hiding from me; I had to find out what it was. When he went out for a run, I took my chance. It didn’t take long to browse his search history – ‘DIY sperm donation’, ‘sperm donors on Facebook’, ‘techniques for home insemination’.
My mind was spinning. Why on earth was he so interested in the subject? I knew he didn’t want children of his own – we’d had a few heavy discussions about it. He’d said he was worried about global overpopulation, but secretly I thought it was because he was still confused by his sexuality. By that stage, our sex life had become problematic. Sometimes it worked well; at other times it felt awkward. Seth confessed he’d had a few encounters with men in the past, but I assured him that didn’t necessarily mean he was gay; he’d just got lost while looking for the right woman. I was that woman – I had no doubt about it. Once we were married with a little family, all our problems would vanish. I firmly believed I could win him over.
I stared at his computer screen, utterly baffled. Then I remembered that he had mentioned that Amber and George were having trouble conceiving. Usually I only half listened when Seth talked about his best friend. I couldn’t care less about where she was going on holiday, or what exciting new job she’d been head-hunted for. But hearing that her life wasn’t going according to plan had secretly delighted me.
It was obvious. Amber had asked Seth to help her get pregnant. It was so typical of her to use him in that way, especially when she must have known that he’d refused to make a baby with me. That was the killer blow. I slammed the laptop lid shut and kicked back the chair. Anger raged through me like a forest fire, consuming everything in its path. I stormed around the flat, swearing and screaming my head off – throwing ornaments at the wall, pulling books off shelves, smashing cups and plates. I was burning up, out of control. But my fury wasn’t with Seth, it was with her. That she was part of Seth’s life was bad enough, but now she was destroying mine.
She was the person I wanted to harm, but instead I ran into the bathroom and raided the cabinet for pills to take myself. I couldn’t stand the intense emotional pain, couldn’t breathe. I found a packet of paracetamol and was trying to force them down my throat when Seth came back from his run and found me. There was a terrible scene. We never recovered from it.
Now he takes my hand, pulling me back to the present. His eyes are glistening. ‘I hurt you so much, Terri,’ he says. ‘It was unforgivable.’
‘It was Amber’s fault; she virtually forced you to give her a baby.’
‘That’s true, but I should have been stronger, should have said no. At the very least I should have discussed it with you first. I separated myself from the idea of actually being a father and saw it as a medical thing, like giving blood. Now I realise how stupid that was.’ He threads my hair between his fingers, sending ripples of lust through me. ‘When Mabel was born, I instantly felt a connection, like she was