kid on the way. My life is real nice now, and I gotta make smart decisions. No matter how hard I try, I can’t imagine ever wanting to spend a weekend with you. So, I’m giving you what you’ve been wanting since I was born.”
Stepping back, I feel a burden lift off my shoulders. This woman ain’t my problem. We don’t need to have a relationship. She got knocked up by a married man and held a grudge for forty years. Seeing her more clearly, I don’t know why she never hit up the guy for money to help out. It’s like she wanted to be poor and miserable to atone for getting laid.
Don’t matter now. I walk away from her and erase any stupid ideas about needing my mom. She wouldn’t think different about me if I had another job. Her heart won’t warm once the baby is born. My future fancy house ain’t gonna make her respect me. The woman just don’t care about her son.
I used to make excuses for her, but now I think like a parent. Last week, I heard my kid’s heartbeat. Shelby’s expression got so beautiful at the sound. She loves our kid already. I realize I do too.
For a baby I’ve never met, I’m willing to suffer and sacrifice. Those feelings are primal. I don’t know if life broke my mom or if she was never whole. In the end, I guess it don’t matter. Weakness kept me from cutting her loose years ago. With Shelby and the baby, I’ve never felt stronger, and I’m done living in the past.
THE CHAPTER WHERE SHASTA WON’T STAY THE SAME
THE WEIRDO
I feel as if I’m never at the Victorian anymore, which is bullshit. I’m here every day. I work in my office, often eat dinner here, and babysit my nephews and Desi. This is still my home in a lot of ways, but the trailer in the woods is where my heart lives.
After I work all morning and have lunch with Max, Desi and I bundle up to take the three dogs on a walk around the neighborhood. She likes seeing how close her aunt Max’s house will be to the Victorian.
“I’m going to be a cousin and a sister,” she tells me as we walk in the street since this part of Shasta doesn’t offer sidewalks. “I have my mom, aunt, and grandma living in the house.”
Desi loves to talk. When she has nothing new to say, she just tells people stuff they already know. That’s what I get today, but I don’t mind. She reminds me of me. Just yesterday, I told Taylor that she was my best friend since elementary school. I don’t know why I felt the need to remind her of that information. Based on the nod she gave me, I probably tell her random, well-known shit all the time.
With Desi, I hold my tongue and let her talk. She gets restless from shutting up at school all day. Why not let her wear herself out with me, so she’s more chill tonight for Maude? My preggo pal has hit a period of fatigue that I haven’t reached. I’ve felt pretty normal overall. No migraines so far either.
“The baby is a girl,” Desi says, bounce-walking next to me. “I’m helping Mom pick the name. I want my baby sister to have a good one. She has to hear it all the time.”
“Do you like your name?” I ask, despite knowing the answer since she’s told me a hundred and thirty-six times.
“Yes. Desiree is the name Daddy gave me, and Desi is the name Mom gave me. I have two names.”
Bouncing around next to me, she talks about how she has two friends at school, but they’re mean.
“Want me to beat them up?” I ask, and she laughs.
“You’re a grown-up.”
“Yeah, that’s why beating them up will be so easy.”
“If you beat them up, who will be my friends?”
“Aren’t there any nice kids?”
“No.”
“That sucks, but don’t give up looking. I found the most awesome friend when I was your age, and she’s still the bestest. I hope you find a Taylor one day to be your best friend.”
Desi smiles brightly, always looking for things to be happy about. When we get back to the house, she runs to tell her mom how she wants to find a Taylor of her own. I grin at her explaining it all to Maude and Max in the TV room.
Going through the mail, I think about