and pussy talk. That’s why she asks Desi to take the dogs for a walk with her. Everyone patiently waits until the child—who can understand fuck-talk unlike Iggy, who just giggles whenever I look at him—leaves the backyard.
Once Desi’s out of earshot, I stand near the porch and do my best rendition of “I Know What You Did Last Summer,” where I spin around and ask, “What are you waiting for?”
“A man who bathes,” Shane answers immediately. “Isn’t that why you couldn’t hook up with River?”
My oldest friend—newly in love and soon to be a father—frowns at Shane. “That’s not why.”
“Then, why?”
“She and I lack chemistry.”
“I thought it was the stink thing,” Ramona mumbles while stroking her son’s head. “Hygiene is important.”
“Yeah,” Shane says before adding, “And Goliath is a mess.”
“He smells fine,” I lie until they all frown at me. “Fine, he smells like a man, and men stink. However, I’m willing to overlook that problem in a way I wouldn’t with River.”
“Why?” Max asks and sizes up her man—aka the guy whose stink turned me off.
“I don’t know. Why did you overlook all of River’s many flaws?”
“He’s a wonderful man,” she says before adding, “And super sexy.”
Before River can suck on his woman’s tongue, I yell out, “I fear herpes!”
Ramona instantly covers Iggy’s ears despite the baby being far too young to know anything besides his beloved auntie is gloriously loud.
“We all fear herpes,” River points out. “Have you talked to Taylor about this?”
“Why her?”
“She’s a girl who enjoyed plenty of dick without succumbing to herpes.”
“Didn’t Ramona also have sex without catching anything?” I ask, leaning closer and asking my sister-in-law. “Or did you catch it, and I’m making you feel bad?”
“I tried catching it, but it was far too fast,” Ramona says and winks at Shane.
I realize she’s making a dig at River’s club nickname “Go-Go,” which is related to his speed on the track field rather than in the bedroom. Still, my brother and his woman grin at their inside joke while River is too busy checking out his woman’s boobs to notice anything else.
“Yes, pregnancy gave her great knockers,” I mumble when River can’t focus.
“I was thinking about her heart,” he says like a lying doofus.
After we laugh at him a little, I whine, “None of you are helping me.”
Ramona stands up and walks to me with Iggy on her hip. “You’re skipping over the stuff you need.”
“What stuff?”
Max waddles over with her baby bump leading the way. “You need to know him as a person rather than as a piece of meat.”
“Is that how you allowed River into your virgin hole?” I ask, remembering how Max used to call her pussycat by less sexy terms than, well, pussycat.
My question forces Max to turn back to her man and just swoon. I’d be grossed out by their display, but I get it. River’s hot. I’ve known him since he was a kid. He’s always been hot, even when he went through an awkward phase at the age of thirteen. Back then, his voice kept breaking so badly the dogs in the neighborhood would howl.
“Were his good looks not enough to unbolt the lock at your lady door?” I whisper in Max’s ear as she looks at a smirking River.
“No,” she says, and his ego-filled smirk falters. “It was his gentle and unbreakable spirit.”
Laughing is wrong, but Shane starts, and I can’t help following.
“Bitches,” River growls at us while Max rolls her eyes at our amusement. Ramona hugs her friend.
“Your love is beautiful,” I tell the women. “Now, focus on me and my problem.”
Shane wants to get in my face and demand my obedience, but he’s cradling his baby son. Unable to get up, he just frowns at me.
“Pick someone else. Have this new, better guy take you to dinner. If you want to slum it, go bowling with him,” Shane says and shoots a dirty look at River. My baby bruv can’t stop tormenting our friend. Of course, River’s older and should be the bigger man, but they just love measuring dicks. It’s like an addiction. I have addictions too—horror movies, carbs, a bearish biker. Yet I can remain focused, unlike these two rimjobs.
“I want Goliath,” I say, stomping my foot for good measure.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“There’s your answer,” Shane mutters. “You should cut him loose.”
“But I want him. When you wanted Ramona, I played along,” I say, and then my sister-in-law gives me a pout as if I’ve hurt her tiny chick heart. “Once I