job is it? Where?” I ask and she starts describing the work. It sounds interesting. I’m trying to pay attention, but I’m distracted again. All I can think about is what this night might lead to.
I have a speech prepared in my head already. There are things I want to say to her that I have never told another woman. Things I didn’t think I would ever say.
I want to explore an actual relationship with you. I want to be committed to you. Do you want to be committed to me? If there is anything I can do to wake up next to you every morning and smell your hair and feel your warmth—I’m willing to do it.
“And how have you been, Reed?” she asks.
I’m nodding.
“Good. Yeah, I got busy with work. I was traveling a little. But now, I’m back. For a couple of weeks, at least.”
She gives me another one of her faint smiles. Then she stares at the cocktail list again and says she is going to order the paloma after all.
“Good choice.”
“What are you having?” she asks.
“I think I’m going to go with the whiskey sour.”
Ella nods and looks about the bar. The music isn’t too loud, the light is dim. We can’t exactly see the faces of other people. A server turns up and takes our orders.
“Wow, this place doesn’t really have the same vibe as any other bar I have been to.”
“Ella, I want you.” The words are out there before I can stop myself. I’ve said them without thinking. Or maybe it’s the result of thinking too much.
Sure, we can sit here and discuss the weather and talk about politics for an hour and then awkwardly part ways until I decide to send her a drunken text later with these words. Or I can man up and just admit it right now.
Her eyes have grown wide. She can’t believe I’ve said it.
“Reed, I don’t understand what you mean,” she says.
“I want you in my life. I don’t know how to be any clearer than this. I don’t want us to be apart. I like having you in my life.” I stumble a little on the word like because it is more than that.
I still can’t bring myself to use the word love, although what I feel for her is inexplicable. It has to be love. I want to grab her and pull her to me right now. Wrap her against my body and never let go.
But I have to give her a chance to speak. To react. I need to know what she wants. If she wants the same thing.
I will fight for her. I will do anything to prove myself to her. But only if that is what she wants too.
Ella is silent. For too long. I look at her, expecting her to finally speak. However, Ella sits still in her chair like a statue. With her back straight and her head held up high.
What the fuck is going on?
“So, this is not what you want to hear,” I say. Looks like I’ll have to be the one doing all the talking. She finally moves. Playing nervously with one of her earrings hidden behind her curls.
“Reed…I…” she begins to speak, and I can hear it in her voice. She is going to turn me down. I shouldn’t have said anything.
“You don’t have to say anything. We can just have our drinks and leave. Or you can leave now.”
She takes in a deep breath and stares at her hands in her lap.
“Reed, that is not what I’m saying. That is not what I want.”
“Okay, I’m listening. Tell me what you want, then.” Maybe there’s some contempt in my voice. I’m angry because she hasn’t fallen into my arms yet. Maybe I’m just used to always instantly getting my way.
She searches my eyes. There’s a strain there. I still don’t understand what’s going on.
“There are things you should probably know before we discuss anything else. And believe me, Reed, I want to discuss this. I want to talk about us. I can’t believe you want to talk about it…I didn’t think you ever took me seriously.”
She doesn’t have any idea how much I want her? I wanted her from the first time we met.
“You are the one who refused to take things further that night in London.”
“Yes, I know, because I’d just come out of a difficult relationship and you seemed like the kind of man who would want me gone in the morning.