family too much to leave us. When I tell people this, their eyes fill with sympathy. I hate the looks. They make me want to punch a hole through the wall.
“School starts soon. Gray’s excited about starting high school. It’s still hard to imagine we have a child that’ll be in ninth grade.” I gently rub my beard against her palm. She used to love touching it. “The years have gone by too fast. I’d give anything to go back in time to when they were babies.” Not only because the kids have grown too fast, but because it would give me more time with Molly.
“Mr. Fischer called the other day to check up on you, and to let me know he has a couple commissions for me when I come back to work. I told him it would be better to find someone else because I’m not sure when I’ll be coming back. He insisted he wanted me and would wait as long as it took.” I take her hand and curl her fingers around my cheek. “I know what you would say if you could respond. You’d tell me I better take the commission now. To not waste time sitting here with you.” I smile sadly. “I’m sorry, baby, but I can’t do that. Until the end, this is where I’ll be, and when I’m not, I’ll be with the kids. ‘Til death do us part, remember? Well, your heart’s still beating.”
Getting up from my chair, I wedge myself on the bed beside Molly. It’s a tight fit putting my big body between Molly and the bedrail without disturbing her, but I’ve become a master at it over the last few weeks. The nurses would have a fit if they were to walk in right now, but I really don’t care.
I pinch a lock of her hair draped over her shoulder and twirl it around my finger.
“Jenna found out yesterday that she’s pregnant. Her, Bryant, and Violet are ecstatic. According to her doctor, she’s seven weeks along. They asked me to be the baby’s godfather. I’ve accepted the role, but as honored as I am, you should be there beside me as the godmother.”
Bringing her hair to my nose, I take a deep breath. I brought the shampoo that Molly has used for years up here. She’d love knowing she still smells like herself, instead of the harsh, sterile stuff the nurses use.
“I’m trying my best to stay strong, Molly, but I’m struggling. I miss you so damn much that I feel a constant hole in my chest. Each day that passes, it gets bigger, and I don’t know what to do to stop it. When I’m not here with you, this is the only place I want to be. And when I am, I feel guilty for leaving the kids. They’re having a rough time too, but little by little, they’re getting better. It’s become our normal to not have you at the house, and I hate that. I feel so much hate for that; I feel the burn of it in my stomach.”
Releasing a sigh, I settle more comfortably against the pillow beside her head. I put my hand on her chest, right over her heart, feeling the steady rhythm of its beat. It used to comfort me, but now it doesn’t. It’s artificial. If the breathing tube was removed, her heart would stop.
“I’m struggling, but I’m holding on, just like I promised. It’s not easy, and some days I want to give up, but I won’t. Our babies have gone through enough pain, I’ll be damned if I add more. You don’t ever have to worry about that.” I kiss her cheek and leave my lips near her ear. “I know you’re still in there. Come back to me, baby.” My voice cracks. “I don’t want to do this without you.”
A wave of fatigue hits me suddenly, and my eyes fall closed. I’ve been so tired lately. I’m still having problems sleeping. Each time I close my eyes, my mind fills itself with memories of Molly. I love those memories of our life together. What I don’t love is waking up from them, only to realize they were only dreams. A fresh surge of agonizing pain always follows me into consciousness.
I haven’t washed the pillowcase on Molly’s pillow yet, refusing to extinguish her scent. Her pillow is my haven when I sleep in our bed. If I can’t have her there, I at least have