got out of bed, more worried about the hint of char I smelled in the air than why Thallirin had opened my door. My nose led me to the kitchen. Still dressed in athletic shorts, Thallirin stood in front of the stove, staring down at the smoking pan.
I waved my hand in front of my face and coughed lightly.
“I don’t know what you’re cooking, but if it starts smoking, it’s usually done.”
“Something isn’t right. It’s still gooey,” he said, glancing back at me.
His gaze swept over me, and the plastic spatula in his hand snapped in half. I looked down at myself. Nothing was hanging out of my top, and my shorts covered my bits. All I was showing was legs and arms.
Shaking my head at his reaction, I crossed the room and reached around him to turn off the burner.
“You have the heat too high for pancakes,” I said, looking at the mess in the pan. “Lower is better for those. And a cover.” I reached up and turned on the hood vent. “This thing vents the smoke outside. I can’t believe the smoke detectors aren’t going off.”
He continued to hold completely still in front of the stove, watching me.
“So, you like pancakes?”
“No,” he rasped. “I was making them for you.”
“You didn’t need to do that.”
“I wanted to do something for you. Something that was given freely.” The words were sweet as was the way his eyes kept flicking to my pajamas.
“Does what I’m wearing make you uncomfortable?” I asked. “I can go put my jeans—”
“No,” he said quickly.
His gaze dipped to my chest, and I watched in fascination as the tips of his ears darkened. My pulse jumped a little.
Trying to ignore both our reactions, I reached up and gently set my fingers on his chin, turning his head so I could look at his neck.
“The bite looks better,” I said. I carefully ran my finger over the skin just around the scab. “It’s not overly warm, which is good.” I leaned closer, frowning. “In fact, it looks mostly healed. That’s amazing.”
He closed his eyes, and a full-body shudder shook him, obviously too much touching for him to handle while I was still wearing pajamas.
“Sorry.”
I went to take my hand away, but his closed over mine. He didn’t force it back, but he held it like he wanted to. Like he was trying so hard not to.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” I said.
“I’m not upset.”
“You look like you are.”
He exhaled slowly.
“I’m desperate and confused and trying to be neither.”
His honesty had me willingly returning my hand to his skin just below the bite. He didn’t try to stop me, but a small noise did escape him. For the first time, I really considered what this moment might mean to him.
While my experience at the bunker previously had me writing off sexual contact for the rest of my life, I’d never once wanted to give up physical contact. Mom and Zach hugging me was a balm to my soul. Even the smallest touch or gesture from them, when I was feeling down and alone, helped. I couldn’t imagine going through a lifetime without that kind of contact, let alone several lifetimes. That Thallirin had endured just that only to come to the surface and feel like I—the girl who the rules said he couldn’t yet be with—was the one for him had to be torture.
“You want to be touched just as much as you don’t want to be touched. Am I right?”
He closed his eyes and gave a small nod.
“I understand,” I said. I trailed my fingers down his throat to his chest, tracing over the scars. He shuddered again.
“Will you tell me to stop if something bothers you?”
“Yes.” The word was a rasp of a whisper.
I could lie to myself and say that I was trying to comfort him with my touch, but I wasn’t. I was touching him for me, too. Because with each scar I traced, my heart beat just a little faster. My breathing became just a little shallower. I was touching him to test me. To try to figure out why I was reacting the way I was. Was it real? Why him? Those two questions quietly whispered into my mind until they wouldn’t leave me alone.
“Do you want to touch me?” I asked, smoothing my palms over his shoulders.
“Yes.”
The word was filled with enough need that I should have been running for the door. But I didn’t. I stood my ground and