Donny love me? That answer was a tad more complicated. Even though he had never muttered anything close to the word love, we had dated for over a year, so I decided he must.
Finally I asked myself, if I were to look back on this decision ten years from now, would I have thought I made the right decision? Unfortunately, that was the question I would never know the answer to. I hummed and hawed over this debate in front of the mirror and perked up my tiny boobs and fixed my flat hair. Minutes later, I made my final decision to ultimately lose my virginity on a twin mattress, beside an open bag of Doritos, while an episode of the Simpson’s blared on his old bedroom TV.
But right now, I think my questions are a tad more complicated than they were over losing my V-card. The first question I ask myself is: What are my honest feelings about Ben? But not even as I stare into the golden-framed mirror, to admire my freshly waxed eyebrows can I find the answer. Before last night I would have honestly said we were friends, the best of friends, and nothing more. But why can’t I shake the fact that despite how weird and strange it was to be with Ben that way, I can’t get him out of my mind.
Jessica once told me that drunken words are sober thoughts. Could that be the same for drunken actions? Could they be sober wants? If that’s the case, I am petrified because I know exactly what my drunk-self wanted that night – Ben inside me. This realization makes me nervously laugh to myself like some crazy person. I press my hands onto the granite counter top and look for some sort of deep inner reflection to help me sort out my humble jumbled brain of emotions, but nothing happens. Instead I feel myself break out into a sweat and a full body tremble.
I rub my hands over my face to ease the tension and ask myself a scarier question: Could Ben like me as more than a friend? That answer unfortunately is jaded by the truth. He couldn’t possibly. I’m sure the only reason he propositioned me with that coin toss, was only because he was a drunk and horny mess from being stood up by his mystery date. I was just Plan B. Uggh! I am so naïve! He is such a pig, and now I am just another one of his piglets. What was I thinking? More importantly, what am I thinking right now? Why am I even questioning Ben’s intentions? He has slept with a million women and has never had a serious girlfriend in all the years I’ve known him.
Besides, Ben and I could never be a couple. Everything is too familiar. I know everything about him. Where is the intrigue in that? I already know he hates reality TV and that he insists boxer briefs are the greatest invention for the male anatomy, or that he prefers to wash dishes by hand instead of shoving them in the dishwasher for the environments sake. This is the same guy who lets out strange sounding bubble farts, sneaks in his own candy bars at movie theatres, and insists that spending countless hours on The Chive is considered an actual hobby. Am I going crazy? No, what I need to do is just let what happened between us go and get over it. Besides, I am sure he has.
I let out a huge sigh, in fear that I might be getting too deep with myself. Instead I ask myself a final question: Am I still open to meeting Steven?
There is no second guessing this answer, it is simple. Yes I am. I am open to meeting Steven for my own sanity. I deserve a real man who will like me even if my A cups do not measure up to his preferred fake D cups, or a man who will enjoy my good humored wit over his past mundane ditsy exes. So therefore, Ben is out and Steven is in. Not only because I know Jessica would think so, but because I need to find someone who unlike Ben will actually take me on a real first date and make the proper attempt to have a normal grown up relationship.
“Let me in, I have to pee!” Stephanie whines and breaks me away from my thoughts as she rattles the bathroom knob.
“Just a