wasn’t any of those things.
“Well,” Sammy said. “If the world came to a halt every time I kissed a guy we wouldn’t get anything done.”
She thought back to how she’d felt watching that other woman touch West. How easy it was for her. How casual.
It just wasn’t like that for Pansy. She couldn’t be casual about a touch. Because all of this had been built up to be so big in her mind.
She couldn’t be casual about a kiss.
“Pansy...haven’t you...” Sammy suddenly looked very concerned. “Oh no. You’ve...dated, right?”
She had a feeling this was Sammy trying to be delicate about whether or not Pansy had slept with a man.
“Not really,” Pansy said.
“Oh, Pansy,” Sammy said. “Date him.”
“He doesn’t want a date.”
“I didn’t mean date,” Sammy said. “Bang him.”
“Sammy!” The admonishment came from Iris.
Rose was looking on with deep interest.
Pansy realized that she had covered her mouth like a maiden spinster.
“What?” Sammy asked. “There’s no law that says you have to take every physical thing that happens with a man deadly seriously. If you’re into him you should do something about it.”
“I can’t,” Pansy said. “I need this job, and I need to make sure that I don’t rock the boat until I can have it. It’s a bad time to try anything new.”
“Why would he compromise your job? Maybe a little bit of fun is what you need to be able to focus on getting this job. You work harder at being good than anyone I know, Pansy. Don’t you know it’s not bad to be with someone?”
Pansy looked from Sammy to her sisters. It was clear that the opinion was divided on this particular topic. She could see that to her sisters the suggestion of a casual relationship was shocking.
“I think Ryder might kill you if he knew what you were advocating,” Pansy said.
“Well, he can feel free. I would take him to task for being a judgmental asshole. He...does what he does.” She waved a hand. “It’s not like he’s chaste for all that he wanders around looking grim and forbidding all the time.”
Pansy grimaced. “I don’t really want to know about his love life any more than he wants to know about mine.”
“You have good instincts,” Iris said. “If you don’t think you should be with him, then don’t be.”
Pansy hadn’t meant to turn this into a kiss by committee. But she should have known that there would be no going back home, no seeing her sisters and Sammy without it turning into this.
For the first time she wondered if they didn’t talk about men only because nothing like this had ever happened to any of them.
Sammy excluded.
She did feel like Iris was a bit more secretive, but for all of Rose’s big talk, Pansy was sure that she’d never even kissed a man.
If she had, they all would have known.
Rose didn’t have the capacity to keep secrets.
“He’s out of my league,” Pansy said.
“He kissed you,” Sammy said.
“I kissed him,” Pansy said, belaboring the point. “And I just mean...he’s been married and divorced. And...you know, he’s not exactly the poster child for good behavior.”
“You’re worried that he’s more sexually experienced than you?”
“This loaf of bread is more sexually experienced than I am,” Pansy said, picking up a chunk of sourdough from the counter.
Rose hooted out a laugh. Iris and Sammy just exchanged glances.
“I would embarrass myself,” Pansy said.
“So what?” Sammy pressed. “If it’s like you say it is, and for him it’s super casual, and he has lots of experience, then what does it matter? He’s a guy anyway. A bottle of lotion and a lingerie catalog would do it for him. Not much is required of you. And you can benefit from his experience.”
Pansy felt horrified to even be discussing this, let alone considering it. “I’m out,” Pansy said, tapping the table. “Literally tapping out.”
“Why?” Sammy asked. “We’re sharing.”
“I’m done sharing. I can’t do this. I mean... I can’t...have this discussion. I don’t know what I feel about him. Except...he’s good looking. But...”
“But what?”
“But,” Pansy said, resolutely.
That put an end to the conversation, at least for a while. And they spent the next couple of hours in the living room together chatting until Pansy started to yawn.
“I’d better go,” she said, pushing herself up so that she was standing.
“I’ll walk you to your car,” Iris offered.
It was warm out, the night sky clear and sprayed with silver stars, crickets chirping a steady rhythm that ran beneath the music of the wind rustling through the trees. “You