the station, clutching her chest. She couldn’t breathe. She really thought that if she were going to have a heart attack it would be now.
A couple minutes later the panel began to file out the front door and Pansy wished that she could melt into the sidewalk.
No one said anything to her, but when she chanced a look, it was Barbara who met her eyes. The older woman practically smirked.
And Pansy had only herself to blame.
She had brought all of this on herself. She had gotten involved with West. She had gotten involved with Emmett. She had thought...
She had thought for a moment that she could have more than the thing she had been focused on for so many years, and she had done it at the worst possible time. She had compromised everything for herself. Everything. Over what? Over that man. The man who was supposed to be nothing more than a diversion.
She had lied to herself. She had tricked herself into believing that she was being more than just a naughty kid with him.
That she somehow wasn’t the same girl that she’d been.
She wanted to hide. She wanted to hide like she had that day her father had left for Alaska.
That day that he died.
She gritted her teeth, and made her way to her car.
She drove home slowly. And when she walked inside her house, West was there.
“What are you doing here?”
“I just came back to clean up.”
“Get out of my house,” she said.
“Is everything okay?”
“No,” she said. “How can you ask me that? Everything is not okay. Not at all. The interview went horribly. I got there and it was just about finished. I’m not going to get the job now. I’m not going to get the job. Because of this. Because of you. I worked my whole life for this, and you took it from me.”
“Did I?”
“Yes.” Except she knew that she had taken it from herself. “You did.”
“Pansy,” he said, keeping his voice low. “If they don’t give you the job over this, that’s some bullshit. You’ve gone in what? Two other times? And you did an excellent job. You have history working for the city. You’ve never made any mistakes. Your boss thinks that you should have this job. He thinks that you should be his successor. If they don’t give it to you, then they were looking for an excuse.”
“And I gave it to them,” she said. “I gave it to them, and I swore I would never do anything like that. I would never do anything that opened myself up to censure. I’m young, and I’m a woman, and I knew that all that was working against me. And still, I let myself get distracted. I... When I was a kid this was what I did. I messed things up all the time. I misbehaved. My dad was so... He was so disappointed in me all the time. And right before he died I made him so mad...” She squeezed her eyes shut, tears falling down her face. “I never got to fix it. He never got to see.”
“Sweetheart,” West said, closing the distance between them, his voice filled with tenderness that made her hurt.
“Sweetheart, you weren’t bad. You were just a kid.”
“No. He was right. I swore that I’d make him proud, West. I swore it. But we can’t change. It’s all still there. And I... I can’t do this.”
“Pansy,” he said, keeping his voice measured. “Not getting a job isn’t a failure.”
“It’s not that. It’s everything.”
“Honey,” he said, his tone stern. “I love you.”
She hadn’t expected that. Of all the things that she had expected to come out of his mouth, it hadn’t been that.
“You don’t,” she said, her voice choked. “You don’t love me. This is a fling. And I was a virgin, and you’re...you’re older than me, and you’re more experienced than me, and you don’t ever want to fall in love because of your ex-wife.”
“All true,” he said. “But I did just the same. You showed me something,” he said, his voice husky. “About being brave. And I can be at least half that brave.”
“I’m not brave,” she said. “I’m just a mess. I’m a mess who doesn’t need you up in the middle of it. I have to... I can’t do this. I can’t be this person.”
“I didn’t think I could be either. I had a whole plan for myself, Pansy. I was supposed to be mega rich by now. With a big corner office. Because