Then, buried my head in her lap. The emotional weight of the past two days finally hit me. I needed a minute to chill, and breathe her in. My daughter slept soundly in her incubator. I sought comfort in her warmth, touch, and her irrevocable love.
After a few minutes, the comfortable silence was disturbed by a cacophony of heavy boots and wallet chains. The boys. I got to my feet and yanked the door open, stepping out into the hallway. “Ssshh.” I held my finger to my lips. “Sounds like a fucking stampede coming down the hallway.”
The boys smiled, and Cindy’s mouth fell open. “Don’t even tell me you’re going to be one of those dads,” she said, using her fingers to quote her words.
“My daughter’s sleeping.” The words fell out of my mouth in warning. I appreciated the company, but the last thing I wanted was a cranky Bella and pissed off Gia.
“Aye, let’s give him a dose,” Woody addressed the group.
“Seriously, how is she?” Cindy asked, grabbing hold of my arm.
“Want to go in and visit with her and Bella? I’m going to talk to the guys for a few minutes. Let her know I’ll be right in.”
She nodded and walked into the room with a handful of gifts for Gia and the baby. I motioned the guys to follow me into the lounge two doors over. I took a seat and they pulled up a few chairs, forming a semi-circle. Jake spoke first. “How is she, and how are you?”
“I don’t know about mentally, but physically, she’ll heal. It’s been a rough forty-eight hours.” I blew out a long breath, trying to dispel some of my own anxiety. I felt burned out. My clothes added to the weight of a crumbling building.
“No doubt. Fucking crazy day yesterday. Totally fucked up, but she’s a strong girl. You know that. Plus, she has support…you…us. We’ll deal with it like we do everything else…like a family. What can we do for you? What do you need?” Ender’s eyes held back so many emotions. God, I was holding back with everything I had…trying to be the strength and rock she needed.
“Fuck yeah…family. We rally in bad times and rock the good. Anything you guys need and we’re there, bro. Now let’s go meet our niece,” Jake said, leaning forward. “It’s given us all something to think about. Fucking life…you just never know and shit. Some scary fucking shit yesterday.” He shook his head to himself. He had no fucking clue. None of them did.
I hung my head, not wanting to meet their eyes, even though they’d never judge. “I’d give anything to get high right now.” There…I said it, but it was like all the air was sucked out of the room. “I won’t. But I want to—bad.”
Woody remained silent, but there was sympathy in his eyes. He knew how I struggled. He was the one I spoke to on tough days. Today is a tough fucking day.
“Not good, bro,” Ender said immediately.
“What can we do?” Jake exhaled, running his finger over his hair.
“Just be here for me.” I uttered the words, and then the rest of the Temple of Abel Gunner crumpled. A day’s worth of confusion, pain, anger, and fear—a turbine of emotions. Hot tears rolled down my face, and I tried to swallow past the knot in my throat. “She’s just…everything to me, and I almost lost her.” It felt like someone sat on my chest and I rubbed the ache. “Fuck, I’m a mess.” The darkness was there…always there. My demons rose to the surface, pushing…taking…pushing…taking.
Woody, at my side, squeezed my shoulder. “Let it out, mate. Keepin’ shite bottled up…it’s no good for anyone.”
Ender offered me a bottled water and a solid clap on the back. “Thanks man.” I guzzled half the bottle, and little by little, the knot began to loosen.
“You have many blessings to be thankful for, man. You have a daughter, and Gia did survive. Don’t go fucking things up. The regret will eat you alive.” Jake’s voice came out edged with concern. He had a right to be concerned. They all did. Fuck, I was concerned.
My head was really fucked up, and I needed to fight harder for some kind of control. I needed Beauty. We both fought our demons. But she was the steady low light. She spread calm light through me. For them, I would try. I dried my eyes with my sleeve and stood. “You’re right. Let’s go meet my