as if unhappy, but then she laughed. “All right, if you ask Niko, I’ll make Pothan take me.”
The introduction of Pothan into the mix made me frown, but I said, “Sounds good, let’s do it,” and within an hour I’d pulled up the school’s website on my phone and bought tickets for both Dave and me.
The rain continued well into the night, right through the midnight meal where Avani’s dad ordered pizza and questioned me pointedly about my life. After dinner, I stayed at the table, wondering when and how I should leave, but Avani and Jess retreated upstairs, and I timidly followed. When Avani’s dad checked in, she answered again by saying, “Nandan’s gay,” and he left us behind.
We dissected Jess’s conversations with Niko—he was so indirect, never allowing himself to be pinned down, until finally Jess had to come out and text “Will you go to homecoming with me,” and even then he was just like “That sounds cool,” and we had to assume that meant Yes, I will go with you to homecoming.
I was going to walk home, but with a glance in my direction, Jess said, “Oh, just stay on the pullout. We still have plans to make anyway.” Inwardly, I cheered, grateful for all the times I’d tried to get on Jess’s good side.
But when we were in bed I felt a sense of wrongness. The two girls were on the same mattress, whispering to each other, too low for me to hear. I was exactly where I wanted to be, but I was here under false pretenses. I had no doubt that if they weren’t 100 percent sure I was gay, they wouldn’t have wanted me here. And yet, wasn’t it true? I was dating a guy. We were exclusive. According to Henry I was king of the gays, long may I reign. So maybe that’s who I was.
The next morning the girls didn’t really get going until, like, ten, when we all went out to Valley Creamery for breakfast. All the time they were on their phone, sending out loose tendrils of connection to other girls, and I did the same, thinking I’d text Carrie—I was pretty sure I had more pull with her right now than they did—and when she joined us at the creamery with Gabriela in tow, I felt I’d scored a small victory in Avani’s eyes.
Breakfast turned into coffee down the street. We rolled over to my place to pick up some gym clothes for me, then back to Avani’s house, where we worked out in her home gym. Schoolbooks appeared, and I stared at my notebook, afraid to reveal I wasn’t really doing anything, and feeling all the while so overwhelmed and like such an impostor. I was sure that I should leave, and yet I badly wanted to stay.
That night, we convinced Avani to come out, and she spent an hour getting dressed, letting us veto outfits, then changed back into casual clothes and wrapped her party clothes in a bundle. I left first, and Jess and Avani rolled out second, pretending they were going to Jess’s place, and picked me up at the corner. We went and changed at my apartment, and then appeared as a little pack at a house party down the street, where Avani for the first time in ages acted somewhat like her old self. She swanned across the room, made a big scene, shot sardonic looks at all the guys, then pointedly ignored them. And all the while Jess and I played the role of handmaidens, just like I once had for Pothan, except this time I genuinely enjoyed it. Just seeing how people greeted her, how excited they were, how they hungered for her approval, and how they laughed at everything she said, I knew she was something so much bigger and more glorious than I could ever be.
About this time my phone started to blow up with texts from Dave. He hadn’t seen me since yesterday, and he was miiiiiiiissssing me. I wanted to tell him we’d get together tomorrow, but he said he’d come to the party, so he showed up, in his bow tie and jacket, with his awkward smiles, and Avani and Jess gracefully withdrew, like real bros, to let him and me hang out.
Of course, after half an hour, he got nervous and anxious, and somehow we ended up in his car, headed for another night of my trying to enjoy his groping and fumbling.