us. He and I still texted on occasion, but nothing like those long, intense conversations we used to have.
Part of me wondered whether this lake-house visit might not be an opportunity. If I invited Hen, we could share a room, get drunk, and, I don’t know, explore the idea of being something to each other. A practice boyfriend, at least. Or maybe a real one. If I was gonna come out, doing it with a dude already in tow would be best. And Hen seemed game for it. But despite these thoughts I somehow couldn’t manage to actually send the text.
When Avani brought him up again, I said maybe she ought to make the call, because he and I weren’t really close anymore. But she said, “If I ask, he won’t come.”
“Why not?” I said. “He likes you.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Of course he does.”
It turned out she was right. When I ducked into his homeroom and asked him to the lake house, he was really cagey, asking who else would be there, and when I told him the guest list, he said, “Okay, well I like Carrie, and you’re great, obviously, but I don’t know Jessie that well.”
I threw my head back. “Come on, it’ll be a caper!”
A group of kids filed past to get into the room, and we drifted down the path. “You can’t keep convincing me by saying ‘It’s a caper.’ That only works once.”
“Look, all right. The truth is . . .” I took a breath and told him about Dave and Mari. I thought I’d made the situation sound sweet, but Hen didn’t seem to care.
“You know . . . all this effort over Dave, but he likes girls. He can hook up with anybody. I’m the person who needs help, but nobody’s ever like, Oh, let’s set up Hen.”
“Well, then let’s do that. Who’re your prospects?”
“No, it has to be natural. This is not . . .” He shook his head. “Look, I’m a little tired of being a guest star on the Avani Show.”
“This isn’t that. It’s the Nandan Show.”
“She’s okay, and I get why you would like her.” At my expression, he said, “She’s hot. I’m saying she’s hot, and you like girls, and you think with your dick, obviously.”
“Yeahhhh . . . that’s true. But there’s more to it than that. Pleeeease. Come on.”
A bell sounded, and Hen had to get back to class. He hadn’t agreed, but I still went away excited. These conversations were the ones I wanted to be having. Light and fun, without sacrificing depth. I could’ve gone to a dozen T99 parties with Hen and never learned that he didn’t like Avani or that he felt bad about his (lack of a) love life.
When I told that to Mari before precalc, she said, “But if you want to know that stuff, just ask.”
“You can’t just ask. There has to be a moment.”
“It sounds like Hen’s lonely,” she said. “I know how that is. Before I started making an effort to make more friends, I got lonely all the time.”
Her serious tone made her seem really young. She didn’t know Hen that well. He was one of the best-liked people in our class. Everybody thought he was amazing. If he was lonely, it was because he didn’t let people get close.
“But not anymore?” I said.
“Well, now I have you! And Dave!”
“You two really seem to get along.”
“Yeah, ever since I stopped expecting anything from him.”
“Mari . . . Dave is really into you.”
“I don’t think so.”
“He did all this for you, Mari. Set up the lake house and everything, because you wanted it.”
“Umm, well, okay. That’s really nice.”
I gritted my teeth. Part of me wanted to be stern and be like, What the hell, Mari, you shouldn’t be like this. Why are you pulling away from Dave already? Except I knew it wouldn’t have helped.
But now I had a new problem. I wasn’t even sure this party was going to work. Dave had fallen into exactly the trap I’d expected—he’d tried too hard and scared her away.
That night, willing to say and do whatever it took, I messaged Hen.
Me: Hey, dude.
Henry: Hey.
Me: I’m sorry I’ve been weird.
Me: Questioning my sexuality was a little exhausting.
Henry: Lol, no worries.
Me: I still have no idea if I’m queer.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if I’m just in love with the idea of it.
Me: Other times I’m like, yeah okay I want to have sex with guys.
Me: Honestly, I feel really protective toward