idea of the two of us lying naked on the floor, touching each other, and I was like, Hmm, so maybe I am the tiniest bit gay. The night had passed so quickly that I didn’t even have a conscious image of his penis to work with, and that actually disappointed me.
Morning announced itself with a headache. My room was windowless and cold—big enough for just a set of shelves and my bed. Originally my mom was gonna sleep there and give me the master bedroom so I’d have more room to study, but one night while she was at the hospital—she’s a night nurse in the ICU—I moved all my stuff into this room and wouldn’t move out. She earned the money; she deserved the bigger bedroom.
Rolling over, I saw a message.
Dave: Hey, should we talk about last night?
A boundless self-loathing unfurled inside me. I didn’t hate what I’d done so much as how awkwardly I’d done it. The thought that his brain held the mental image of me dancing and flipping my hair made me want to delete his number and never speak to him again.
My mom rapped on the door for lunch, and when I came out she’d already heated two TV dinners from the Indian store. They have an incredible microwaved tamarind rice that’s like two dollars: it’s insane. We sat in front of the TV, watching reruns of a popular cop show as we ate.
“Are you ready to start school?”
“Yeah.”
“How was your weekend?”
“Great.”
“Did you see that girl?”
“No, Mom.”
“You’re not bringing her here when I’m gone, are you?”
“No.”
My mom squinted at me. It’d been a while since her last dye job, so she had a dramatic hint of white that was most visible right at the crown. Her legs were gathered under her, and, for an entirely new level of grossness, her body was swathed in the blanket that Dave and I had lain on.
This was her day off, and she wanted to hang out and catch up—when I was little we used to stay up late, eating popcorn and ice cream and watching TV while she pumped me for gossip about school. Back then I was an outsider, and I didn’t really know anything. But at some point last year the gossip got too real—every time we talked, she would get worried—so I’d stopped being honest.
In my room I sent a slew of texts. To Pothan, to Carrie, to Ken. What’s going on tonight? Every weekend, I relied on them to know what was happening, and I passed the news in turn to people like Dave. Maybe somewhere he had a little Dave of his own who waited on him for crumbs of news.
My heart had quieted. I looked at the rest of the messages from Dave.
Dave: I had a good time.
Dave: Are you gonna text me? Are things weird now?
Each message shot a pang through my stomach.
Me: Hey, no need to talk. That was something I’d sort of wanted to do—I mean to someone, not necessarily to you!—for a little while. So it’s totally fine.
I paused for a few seconds. That was . . . not untrue. I’d wondered what it’d be like to be with a guy. And I’d discovered it was okay; nothing special.
Dave: Oh, wow. I didn’t know that about you.
Me: How could you? I’ve literally never told a single soul about it.
Dave: Well I’m honored, and you know I’m totally cool with whatever you are.
Dave: Or want to be.
Dave: Wow, I’m being super awkward right now.
Me: So you’ve really never thought about being with another guy?
Dave: Honestly, no. That was a total surprise.
Me: Oh, okay.
Me: You seemed into it.
Dave: I was! But things happened really fast.
I blinked a few times.
Me: Yeah, totally.
Dave: Lol. Hey, what’s going on tonight? You want to hang out?
To be honest I didn’t. But I’d learned from Avani that the more you let it be awkward, the more awkward it actually gets.
Me: Yeah, let’s do it. Hey, you’re still into Mari, right? You should test your newly found move-making skills out on her!
Dave: Oh, umm, well actually she’s been texting me about you. She wants the three of us to do something. Maybe see the new Avengers movie? I think she really liked you.
Me: Would it be weird to have me along?
Dave: I don’t know. I think I totally screwed things up with her last night. Her and I are probably done.
Me: Dave!
Dave: Nandan!
Me: Do you want it to be done?
Dave: I’m not sure. At this