wrong. She’s so fucking right. She’s so goddamn right.
“Ava, stop,” Lewis says.
I stand up, needing to secure the area or find something or do something when my foot kicks Jackson’s phone. I pick it up, realizing there’s no blood on it at all. I reach down to Jackson’s hands and find both covered in blood. Did he text me before he was shot? Or did someone else text me?
I turn as I hear Henry rush into the alleyway, and the moment he sees me covered in Jackson’s blood, he slows, like he’s scared to come over to me.
I turn back to Jackson, wanting to grab him and hold him and plead for him to live, but Ava and Lewis are in the way and Ava is right. This is my fault.
This is all my fault.
The world is spinning around me as I realize that if I’d just been good, if I’d just stayed at home like Jackson wanted when he’d met me, he’d be fine. He’d be walking into his parents’ house right now and sitting down to eat supper with them. And instead… instead…
I drop to my knees at Jackson’s side and press down on the compress next to Lewis’s hands as my world spins around me.
Henry’s saying something but it’s like he’s speaking a different language and I’m caught up in an unknown world. I drop down as I bury my head against Jackson’s chest.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” I whisper. “I didn’t mean to get you hurt. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
“Stop,” Henry says, a gentle hand on my shoulder. “You didn’t do this.”
“I should have stayed away. I knew better than to drag anyone else into my godawful life,” I say as I dig my fingers into what’s left of Jackson’s shirt.
“Leland, the ambulance is here. Come on,” Henry says as he grabs for me.
I want to push him off. I want to cling onto Jackson and beg for forgiveness, but I let him pull me away as the EMTs descend upon him.
“I have to kill them,” I say as I pull away.
“Stop,” Henry says as he tries to pull me back in, but I jerk away from him.
“I have to fix this.”
“No, you have to calm down before you make a mistake you can’t fix. You don’t know that this was your fault. Jackson was wound up in this PI shit before you ever came along. Now you’re going to ride in the ambulance with him.”
“But Ava will want to.” And I don’t deserve to.
“I don’t care, you’re his fiancé, you get to go with him,” he says as he pulls me with them as they rush Jackson toward the ambulance. And when Henry directs me with them, Ava doesn’t stop him.
I climb in and sit where they put me, and even though I want to grab him and hold him and tell him how sorry I am, I just have to watch them try to save the man I love with all my heart.
I never knew pain until this moment.
When we reach the hospital, he’s rushed inside and I follow for as long as they’ll let me but when they tell me they’re taking him back for emergency surgery, I’m only allowed to tell him bye.
I steel myself as I walk up and kiss his cheek. My whole body hurts as I see him lying there. “I’m so sorry. Please, please fight. Fight so fucking hard because I need you more than I’ve needed anything, Jackson. I need you so much that it hurts. I just… need you.”
I kiss his cheek one more time before a nurse guides me away, but I want to fight her. I want to stay by his side. What if he dies? What if this is the last time I ever see him? What if he’s alone when he dies, surrounded by strangers?
“You can wait in here and a nurse will keep you updated about what’s going on, alright?” The nurse waves to the waiting room that I’m standing outside of.
I nod as I walk into the lonely and empty room. Slowly, I walk over to the far corner as my adrenaline and everything plummets and a sob escapes me. I kneel where I stand in the quiet waiting room and begin to cry. I kept it all together. I thought I was okay. I thought I could keep my head about me, but I can’t handle any of this. I’m not as strong as I