it’s early November and the clocks fell back last week, I’m grateful for the little extra light, even if it’s cold.
I’m running because I’m trying to outrun my nerves.
Two weeks ago, Alejo jumped right back into the game with flying colors and Real Madrid defeated Barcelona in an extremely close El Clásico game.
Two weeks ago, Alejo snuck into my hotel room and gave me what can only be described as very passionate love-making.
He also told me I was the sun of his heart. That his world revolved around me. That he didn’t want us to be a secret, and that I needed to let him in.
I know Alejo’s personality is very bold and romantic, I know he speaks from his heart so purely and unabashedly that it sometimes seems like too much. He wears his emotions on his sleeve and he’s not ashamed to show them. It’s refreshing and I like that about him.
A lot.
But the things he told me were not the things you tell someone you’re just having a fling with. They aren’t the things you say to someone who is just in it for sex.
They were words that came from his heart, telling me how much I mattered to him and how much he wanted me. Not just for now, but beyond the now.
And as much as they made my heart melt, they scared me.
Because all this time we’ve been fucking each other, I did my best to not get attached to him. To keep my heart guarded and at a distance. To revel in his touch but not let myself get carried away with thoughts about the future or the next step. I haven’t been letting him in the way he has with me.
I guess I just assumed we would keep sleeping together, and eventually, one of us would put an end to us. It would hurt and sting and be a little awkward between us, but with me no longer giving him one-on-one attention at work, we could both walk away from this with our hearts and pride intact.
But…
I don’t think that’s the case anymore.
In fact, the thought of ending it and walking away cuts right between the ribs.
And yet, I also know that this can’t possibly go anywhere, and if things between us start to get deep and complicated and emotional, it’s going to be trickier to break apart with everyone unscathed.
Because, eventually, we will have to break up.
What future does a forty-year-old woman have with a twenty-four-year-old man? A man that happens to be on the team I work for, one that is forbidden to me for the sake of my career?
As much as I want this continue, as much as I can’t stand the idea of not slipping over to Alejo’s every night or him coming to my apartment, I know that eventually, the good times are going to come to an end and I’m going to have to wake up and face that bitter music.
So that’s why I’m running. I’m trying to clear my head and run from my problems at the same time.
And what a problem, right? Oh, this young football sex god says his world revolves around me, wah wah waah.
The thing is, he has to know that we don’t have a future together.
Right?
Forget about him, do you even know that?
I shake that voice out of my head.
Keep on running.
I’m also running because Helen is coming to visit today. I’m supposed to pick her up at the airport after work in my new Audi. Since I decided to lease a car and drive myself around the city in an effort at permanence here, Mateo and Jose were both adamant that I have an Audi since they sponsor the team and all the players are given free ones. I wasn’t given a free one, but I got a great discount at any rate.
I’d been trying to convince Helen to come visit me (on her own, without her husband, Frank) for a while now and almost got Kazzy and Liz on board too, but they both cancelled at the last minute. I would have loved for them to be here, but since it’s just going to be Helen now, I’m a little anxious about the whole thing.
I know it’s weird to be nervous about your friend visiting, and maybe that’s saying something right there, but Helen and I have been drifting apart ever since the divorce, ever since she very firmly decided to stay friends with Stewart. She wasn’t even that