I should be thankful that I’m alive to tell this story, but I just see the animal I killed. I hear the sickening noise he or she made as they died. Lying breathless feet away. No heartbeat. I took that soul.
I shake harder.
Fuck.
“Sul—” Akara starts.
“My dad,” I say in a whisper, blinking back tears. “He’s been to thousands of cities. Camped hundreds of places. He’s come face to face with bears, moose, cougars, almost every animal you can think of. And never in his fifty-years has he had to kill a single one.”
It breaks me.
My spirit cracks. Fractures. Splinters off.
Tears keep welling and cloud my vision. “My little sister will hate me.” I want to bury my face in my shirt, my hands, my lap—their chests.
I end up staring at the sky.
“She won’t,” Akara says strongly. “Winona will understand it was self-defense. If it were you or the cougar, she’d choose you.”
I know that’s true, but there’s a part of me that also knows she’ll look at me differently once she finds out.
Our dad never had to kill anything, but I took an animal’s life at twenty-one. I’m the one who went into the cougar’s home. The mountains—I don’t live in these mountains. I was just wandering by.
And sure, maybe other families hunt wild game for sport and killing a cougar would be no big fucking deal, but all my life, I’ve been taught to preserve the wilderness and the creatures that inhabit it. My spirit has been tied to the outdoors for so long, and right now it feels as if I’m not worthy to belong here.
“It’s not supposed to be easy,” Banks tells me. “What you’re feeling now. It’s normal, Sulli.”
I meet his brown eyes that pull at me with compassion and understanding. He’s a Marine. I don’t know how much he’s seen or what he’s done, but in this moment, he’s holding me without wrapping his arms around me.
I breathe.
My limbs have stopped shaking, and Akara’s left hand is steady. The three of us are huddled together, and once we stand up, once we make our way back to camp, all of this will feel more real.
We’re slow to our feet.
“Can you walk?” Banks asks me.
Taking a few steps forward, my legs ache but they support my body enough. “I’m good.” I glance to my left. “Akara?”
“I’m good, too.” He’s already walking towards the cougars. No limp. No shuffling. All great signs. Maybe we will just come out of this bruised and scraped up.
But the wounds are deeper than my fleeting optimism. I feel the harsh stinging across my body as Akara stops beside the cougar he stabbed. A haunted expression shifts over his face. “They’re going to rot here. Or be eaten by other prey.”
“Not if we bury them,” Banks breathes.
I nod. “We’ll come back here tonight, Kits. I have those shovels at camp.” Pooper scoopers, Winona calls them. I packed shovels to dig latrines.
Now we’re going to be digging graves.
“Okay,” Akara says and looks to Banks. “After yo—”
“No way in hell,” Banks refutes. “You’re not following behind again. We walk side-by-side together this time so I can have your six.”
Akara winces, more so at his wounds while he shifts. “I thought you hated making the calls, Banks.”
“But this one is too easy.”
“My vote is with Banks,” I tell Akara. “And I know I’m not a bodyguard and I probably don’t get a vote, but I’m creating one right now. So it’s two-to-one. You’re outvoted.”
His smile looks like it aches to rise. “No I’m not. Because I’m voting with you.”
And that’s how it goes. Step-by-step, we trek to our secluded camp. All the while, I never drop my gun. The closer we get, the tighter my grip becomes. Banks and Akara keep looking at me, at the weapon, and I feel their building concern.
Shoes crunching leaves, our empty camp comes into view. Darkness has nearly set in, and I’m just on autopilot. Grabbing a couple battery-operated lanterns from our gear, I switch on the light.
One tent.
The emptiness of the tent doesn’t feel as safe as the spot between Akara and Banks. I venture back out to the fire pit. Where they both are popping lids to two First-Aid kits.
Once more, Banks eyes my hand that clutches the gun. He says nothing to me and instead turns to Akara. “You’re going first. Don’t fight it, man.”
“Hey, I’m supposed to order you around. Stop trying to take my job.” He sits down on a tree stump.
I come up