through me. “A triad?”
He takes a sip of his Fizz Life. “It doesn’t matter though, does it?” he asks me. “You said you already made a decision. Who did you choose anyway?”
My stomach overturns. “No one.”
“What?” he frowns.
“I was going to just choose their friendship for them and walk away.”
He gives me an iconic what the fuck face. “Now that is stupid.”
“I didn’t know we could all be together!” I collapse backward on the fuzzy rug. “And what if they don’t want that option? A triad. What if it sounds too complicated and too difficult and too different?” I’m an American princess. If I profess to the world that I have two boyfriends, I’m going to be fodder. Maybe Akara and Banks won’t want to put me through that—even if I’d want it.
Fuck, I want it.
I want them.
Both of them.
“They may not want to do it,” Beckett says, honestly. “It’s not for everyone.”
We talk more about the ins and outs of polyamorous relationships. Beckett gives me a crash course—and I ask if he’s been in one. No, only casually dating. But he’s had threesomes, which weren’t relationships. Just sex.
This isn’t just sex.
It’s why it’s hard.
There are emotions and love…so much love involved. That inevitably, if we can’t all be together, there’s going to be pain.
55
BANKS MORETTI
Our secret rendezvous point could have been warmer. I’m freezing my ballsac off. I zip up my cargo jacket and stuff my hands in the pockets. The top of a hill at Camp Calloway overlooks camp cabins, the canoe rack next to a glittering lake, and a bunch of trees. Endless seas of yellows, reds, and oranges in the November fall.
Akara rocks on the balls of his feet and blows warm breath into his hands. He glances out at the road, and I hear a voice through my radio.
“Gabe to Akara, I’m on the way with Sulli. Be there in about five.”
“Copy,” Akara says into his mic.
Our eyes latch. We haven’t spoken the unspoken words.
One of us will be leaving this hill without her.
“Have you told her you love her?” Akara asks me.
I shake my head. “I didn’t want to do that to you.” It felt wrong to bring up my love for her when Akara’s been fighting to be with her too. Like playing a winning hand in the middle of a game. And this isn’t a game to me. My feelings for her are clearer than the skies today. They’ve been clear for a while now. I ask him, “Did you tell her?”
“Truthfully, I wanted to tell her without you there, but it never felt right. And it didn’t feel right with you there either. Like either way I’d be hurting a friend.”
I nod repeatedly. “So we’re both dumbasses.”
He tilts his head, smiling. “Basically.”
“Do you think we should tell her?” I kick some pebbles on the ground. “At least then whoever she doesn’t pick can rest easy knowing they did and said all they could.”
Akara nods slowly.
My chest tightens. I can’t shut up about this. He needs to hear it now, not after. “And if it’s you, I’m going to have to ask for some sort of reassignment—”
“Stop.” He grimaces.
“I can’t watch you be with her, Akara,” I say, hurt already compounding against my ribcage.
His eyes are bloodshot, fighting something back. “You watched me be with her last night.”
“That was different. I was with her, too.” I let out a frustrated breath. “And I don’t know why you’re giving me a hard time. You’re going to quit her detail, if she chooses me.” I hate that outcome too. I hate not having him as a friend.
“Yeah, I will,” he says. “But maybe I like the scenario where I keep the girl and I keep you. Fucking sue me, I’m greedy.”
I smack his chest. “I think you get sued enough, man. I don’t need to add to it.”
He laughs. “Shit, I can’t believe you’re making me laugh.” His humor fades and the air sobers for a moment. “Either way, we lose each other, don’t we?”
I fit a toothpick between my lips. “She’s worth it.”
Akara nods. “Yeah, she always has been.”
Tires crunch gravel, and we both turn to watch the security vehicle drive down the road. The SUV parks near ours. Sulli hops out, waves to Gabe, and the car heads back to where it came.
She blows out a breath. Her hair billows in the wind and she hugs her arms to her chest. I want to bring her into my body, warm her, but