God, I can’t actually bring myself to tell you.’
‘Go on!’ Dani leaned in, grinning delightedly.
I covered my face with my hands and muttered, ‘He only took out a bloody violin and serenaded us.’
‘Waaah!’
‘Waaah. He’s obviously really good at playing the violin, and he got really into it. He was doing that thing of closing his eyes and kind of throwing his head around. And by this stage, people weren’t just taking photos, there was this whole little crowd around the bandstand videoing us. I’m sure I was literally everyone’s Insta story yesterday. I haven’t logged in because if I saw it I’d legit die.’
‘Oh fuck.’ Dani wiped away tears with her napkin. ‘So what happened next?’
‘It was so awkward. I couldn’t even have a proper conversation with Paul, because all there really was to say was how much trouble he’d gone to and how mad it all was, and anyway, even though he was doing the violin thing, obviously Imran would’ve been able to overhear anything we said. I tried to ask Paul about medieval literature, but he kept getting interrupted when Imran stopped playing to top up our glasses or put more food out or whatever.’
‘There was more food?’
‘There were olives and asparagus and strawberries dipped in chocolate, so that was okay in theory. But actually I didn’t feel like eating anything after the oysters. Why does anyone think those things are an aphrodisiac?’
‘I’ve never had oysters,’ Dani said. ‘But I’ll take your word for it. And stick to cake for now, obviously.’
‘Obviously.’ I forked up a huge bit of my cake, which I’d checked had been made with dairy-free cream cheese frosting to help alleviate my guilt about the oyster. It was delicious – melting and sweet and studded with walnuts and, crucially, not a bivalve mollusc. And I was eating it without an audience.
‘Anyway, so go on,’ Dani urged. ‘I need to hear what happened next.’
‘It was a bit better once the food was finished,’ I admitted. ‘I was a bit pissed by then, and Imran had moved away to the other side of the bandstand so it didn’t feel like he was hanging over us earwigging. But to be honest, I was so over the whole thing by then and it was just so toe-curlingly awful I just wanted to go home and never think or speak of it again.’
‘Why didn’t you? Why didn’t you invent a text from a mate or an emergency at work or something?’
‘Dani, I couldn’t! It was like I was paralysed. It was the most awkward thing ever. Paul was so proud of himself and he kept going on about how he wants to treat a woman like a princess, and did I like the food and would I like more champagne, or would I prefer white wine, and I just couldn’t leave. And anyway by that stage it was starting to get dark and I thought that would probably give me an excuse to go.’
‘And did it?’
I nodded. ‘Eventually. But not before he’d got Imran to take a photo of us with the sunset behind us, and said he wanted something special to remember our date by, and he’d send it to me and we could both make it the background on our phones.’
‘Wait, what?’
‘Yup. That was the weird thing. Like, up until then, I’d thought it was really all quite sweet, even though it was the most over-the-top and mortifying thing ever, but after the first hour or so he started talking like we were going to be together, like it was a given.’
‘How? What did he say?’
‘He said he wasn’t going to kiss me, because he wanted the first kiss to be special, and something we’d always remember, and we should wait until the perfect moment. And he started talking about how he’d always thought solitaire diamonds were the best for engagement rings.’
‘Oh, no!’
‘Oh, yes. And seriously, that was the moment when I finally got the guts to get up and say it had been a lovely afternoon, but I had to get back because I had an early start for work the next day. And he said, “Every moment with you is special, and longing to see you again will be special too.”’
‘And you must’ve been like, “Glad you’ll enjoy that, because you’ll be doing it for a long time.”’
‘I was. But I couldn’t actually say that to him. I got home and I texted him and thanked him for the date, but said I wasn’t sure