bastard!’
‘Ssshh, you poor thing. Whatever it is, you’ll be okay.’ And, remembering saying almost exactly the same to Dani, I added in my head, And dump his sorry arse so he can never hurt you again.
But Robbie went on, ‘He says he wants us to be official. Like, boyfriend and boyfriend. The deadass headass.’
For a second, I was too surprised to speak. ‘But… but that’s good, right? I mean, you’re totally into him. You haven’t seen anyone else for ages.’
‘That,’ Robbie said, ‘is not. The. Point. We weren’t meant to be serious. I was meant to have years of casual shagging ahead of me. And then bloody Rex turns up and not only is he my dream man, but he says I’m his. He told me he loves me, the total melt.’
‘But you love him too!’
‘So what? I wasn’t going to admit I’d fallen for him, was I? So I dumped him. By text.’
I shook my head in bewilderment, then gave Robbie’s shoulder a final pat, picked his spoon up off the floor and wagged it at him.
‘Now,’ I said. ‘You’ve given me your fair share of advice about my love life, and it’s my turn to read you the riot act. Are you listening?’
Robbie nodded, his lip trembling.
‘Rex is asking you to be his boyfriend. That’s all. He’s not asking you to marry him, or chaining you up in a dungeon, or making you sign in blood saying you’ll never have sex with anyone else again ever. Am I right?’
‘I guess.’
‘He’s saying he wants you two to be exclusive for now – to take your relationship to the next level, and see how that goes. Correct?’
‘I suppose so.’
‘And that’s what you want, really, isn’t it? You’ve just got a massive attack of cold feet.’ Like I did when I was twenty and in love with Joe, and ended it because I was too frightened, only to spend years regretting my decision, when I could have just gone with it and let it run its course. I didn’t regret that decision any more, not really – but that didn’t stop me wanting to prevent Robbie from making the same mistake.
‘Maybe you’re right,’ Robbie admitted.
‘Of course I’m right! And another thing. You’re allowed to be happy, you know. You’re allowed to fall in love, even if it doesn’t feel like the right time.’
‘So what should I do?’
‘Sheesh, you doofus! Pick up your phone right now and text the guy and tell him you made a mistake!’
‘I…’ Robbie hesitated for a second, then he did the pounce thing again, and seconds later his phone was in his hands and he was bashing away at the screen like a man possessed.
I escaped to the gym after lunch as usual, but I wasn’t feeling it and, after a few minutes on the rowing machine, I gave up and did some gentle stretches instead, ignoring Mike’s disapproving gaze. And then I went home and got into bed with Frazzle, and had a long afternoon nap, filled with shadowy and confusing dreams.
I thought about sacking off that evening’s D&D game, but I couldn’t do that – we were at a crucial point in the adventure, with Galena, Annella and Torvid nearing the heart of the castle where we thought Zarah might be imprisoned. Without me, the others would have no fighting power and a real chance of being captured or worse. I’d just have to front it out, and act like nothing had happened between Adam and me. We were friends and that was it.
Of course, I reminded myself, the game wasn’t real either. It was an imaginary world, but that didn’t make it any less important. If we succeeded in our adventure, we’d have done so as a team, looking out for each other, strategising together, making the best of whatever fate a roll of the dice threw at us.
So, when I woke up feeling no less sleepy than I had two hours before, I told myself I had to get my shit together and make this work, however awkward I felt about seeing Adam again after our last strange and unsatisfying encounter. I showered and washed my hair and put on make-up for the first time in ages, put serum in my hair and pulled on a black jumper dress, tights and boots. I was doing it for me, I insisted to myself. Nothing whatsoever to do with Adam, who clearly wasn’t interested in me anyway.
I looked around the tidy, orderly flat. It smelled