I got a girl pregnant, I had better be ready to marry her and start a family.”
I laughed in spite of myself. “Accidental pregnancy’s one thing I’m glad I don’t have to worry about. It could’ve been worse. At least you didn’t have to tell them you’re gay.”
“Who says I’m not?”
Did I fall into the water and drown and hallucinate Dean saying he might be gay? That must’ve been what happened because there’s no way it happened in real life. No way, no how. But I heard it. I had to play it cool.
“I thought you were maybe demi?”
“That describes sexual attraction,” Dean said. “Not the type of person I’m attracted to.” He paused. “Sort of. Being demi, I’m only attracted to people I have an emotional connection with, but those people have mostly been men.”
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
Inside, I was totally freaking out. The chances of Dean possibly having the same kind of feelings for me that I had for him had gone from virtually impossible to probably improbable. But there was still a better-than-zero chance. Outside, though, I was doing my best to keep my shit together.
“Interesting,” I said. “Who was your first crush?”
“Neville Longbottom.”
This bark of a laugh burst out of me, and I clapped my hand over my mouth. “Sorry. Didn’t mean—”
“It’s fine,” Dean said. “It’s a little silly. But I felt this deep connection to Neville. We were the same. If he were real, I believed he would have understood me in a way no one else seemed able to.”
“So that’s the kind of guy you like?” I asked. “Nerdy and cute?”
“Brave and honest. Kind of like you.”
That was it. Dean had slayed me. I was dead. My bones had turned to jelly, but I was somehow still standing upright. Kind of like me? What about exactly like me? Better yet, what about me? I wouldn’t have described myself as brave or honest, but if Dean thought I was, I wasn’t gonna argue. I had a million questions, but I didn’t want to overwhelm him. I didn’t want to seem too eager—Mel was always telling me I was too eager—so I played it as cool as I could and let the information sit out there between us while we walked.
No one paid us any attention. For all they knew, we were a couple of kids on a date at the Garden, and for all I knew, Dean could’ve thought it was a date. There was something exciting about being in a city on our own. We were free of our parents and the press and all the expectations. It felt like anything could happen.
“I’m happy we did this,” Dean said.
“I was surprised you were up for it.”
“Walking around a pond?”
“Skipping out on Harvard,” I said. “You’re all about perfect attendance and telling the truth. I just didn’t think you had it in you.”
Dean shoved his hands his pockets and stopped, standing to stare out over the water. “Why do you do that?” he asked.
The air between us grew tense, but I didn’t know why. We’d been having fun and now it seemed Dean was pissed at me. “Do what?”
“Act as though there’s something wrong with trying to be a good and thoughtful person who tries to do the right thing. Having fun and following the rules aren’t mutually exclusive.”
Oh. That was why he was pissed. “I was just playing.”
“It didn’t feel that way.”
“I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with following the rules, but you are a little high-strung. It’s like you’re always on, always thinking about who’s watching or listening. I don’t think I’ve ever even heard you cuss. And I get it. It’s like you said about the expectations of being Janice Arnault’s kid. But, I mean, it wouldn’t kill you to loosen up a little sometimes.”
Even as I said it, I worried I was making shit worse.
“I would’ve lost it a long time ago,” I went on. “Shaved my hair into a mohawk or gotten a giant neck tattoo or burned down the governor’s mansion.”
Dean’s expression hadn’t changed, and I couldn’t tell what he was feeling. “Dean?” I nudged him with my elbow, but he wouldn’t look at me.
“You keep acting like I am who I am because my mother made me this way. I can’t deny the influence she’s had on me any more than you can deny the influence your parents have had on who you are, but have you ever considered that