have kept your shirt tucked in for all of the photos.”
“You might like Dre if you got to know him. He’s quite talented with monster makeup and photography, and he’s funny too. Did you know he organized a group of drag queens to read to children? He even dressed up.”
My mother grimaced. Her lip curled. “Grown men dressed as women have got no business being around children.”
I tried to ignore the face she’d made, but it was difficult. “Dre made it sound like the kids had fun.”
“I’m sure he did,” she said.
“And he invited me to go to the next one.”
A sharp, dry laugh burst out of my mother like a whip crack. “Over Nora’s dead body.”
“It could be fun.”
My mother leaned forward, fixing me with a serious stare. “Look, Dean, I’m glad you got along with Andre Rosario, but don’t go treating him like your new best friend. He’s not like us.”
“Because he’s gay?”
“You know I have nothing against those people,” she said. “I went on Ellen and took you with me. You danced with her! But I have to lead with my heart, and my heart says they’re not like us.”
When I heard my mother’s argument, almost the same argument I’d made to Dre, thrown back at me, it sounded ridiculous. It sounded hollow and cheap.
“What if I were more like Dre?” I asked.
“You’re not.”
“But what if I were? Would you keep me hidden? Would you pretend I didn’t exist?”
My mother’s face turned to stone. She might as well have been carved from the side of a mountain. I’d always known her well enough to read her, even when others couldn’t, so my inability to do so in that moment made her all the more frightening.
“You’re not like Dre,” she said. “You’re Dean Arnault, you’re on the path to a brilliant future, and you’re everything I could have hoped for.”
I should have let the matter drop, but I kept hearing Dre’s voice asking me what I believed. I had believed that my mother would love and support me no matter what, but now I wasn’t so sure.
“What about when you told me I could be anyone I wanted?”
“Well, I never expected you would want to be more like Andre Rosario.” My mother sat up and hushed me before I could speak again. “Enough of this nonsense. I know you love playing devil’s advocate, but he’s got enough misguided souls advocating for him without you joining the cause.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
The words came out automatically, but I didn’t want to quit talking because I needed to know that this wasn’t how my mother really felt. She was just having a bad day and it had made her cranky. This was not who she was. I wanted to stand up and tell her that when she talked about “those people,” she was talking about me, whether she realized it or not. I might not be as flamboyant or candid as Dre, and we may be different in different ways, but if my mother was going to include Dre in a category of “not like us,” then I belonged in it as well.
Only, I couldn’t bring myself to say any of those things because while I wasn’t sure if I could still believe in my mother, I couldn’t bear the thought of her not believing in me.
Dre
IT WAS AROUND eight, and I was sitting at the kitchen table sketching out an idea I’d had for a photo shoot to keep my mind occupied so I didn’t have to think. It was a monster whose monstrous bits were all on the inside. From the outside it looked mostly normal, but that was the lure. As soon as you got close, it split open like a Venus flytrap and revealed the deadly truth. I crumpled the paper up and tossed it onto the table with the others. Mel wasn’t talking to me, so it was pointless anyway.
I nearly jumped out of my skin when my phone buzzed.
PrezMamasBoy: Hi, Dre! It’s Dean.
PrezMamasBoy: Are you excited for tomorrow? Did you get the train ticket to Boston? It’s all set up. I’ve got a list of things we can do. And a backup list in case you don’t like anything on my original list.
DreOfTheDead: you are hilarious
PrezMamasBoy: I like to be prepared.
DreOfTheDead: either way im ready
PrezMamasBoy: May I ask you a question?
DreOfTheDead: duh
DreOfTheDead: and you dont have to ask if you can ask
DreOfTheDead: just ask
PrezMamasBoy: Do you think I’m normal?
DreOfTheDead: no
DreOfTheDead: next question
PrezMamasBoy: I’m being serious.
DreOfTheDead: so am